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when setting about the act （his thoughts being then disengaged and free；
and his body in its true and natural estate） he was at leisure to cause
the part to be handled and communicated to the knowledge of the other
party； he was totally freed from that vexatious infirmity。 After a man
has once done a woman right； he is never after in danger of misbehaving
himself with that person； unless upon the account of some excusable
weakness。 Neither is this disaster to be feared； but in adventures；
where the soul is overextended with desire or respect； and； especially；
where the opportunity is of an unforeseen and pressing nature； in those
cases； there is no means for a man to defend himself from such a
surprise； as shall put him altogether out of sorts。 I have known some；
who have secured themselves from this mischance； by coming half sated
elsewhere； purposely to abate the ardour of the fury； and others； who；
being grown old； find themselves less impotent by being less able； and
one； who found an advantage in being assured by a friend of his； that he
had a counter…charm of enchantments that would secure him from this
disgrace。 The story itself is not； much amiss； and therefore you shall
have it。
A Count of a very great family； and with whom I was very intimate； being
married to a fair lady； who had formerly been courted by one who was at
the wedding； all his friends were in very great fear； but especially an
old lady his kinswoman； who had the ordering of the solemnity； and in
whose house it was kept； suspecting his rival would offer foul play by
these sorceries。 Which fear she communicated to me。 I bade her rely
upon me： I had； by chance； about me a certain flat plate of gold； whereon
were graven some celestial figures； supposed good against sunstroke or
pains in the head； being applied to the suture： where； that it might the
better remain firm； it was sewed to a ribbon to be tied under the chin； a
foppery cousin…german to this of which I am speaking。 Jaques Pelletier；
who lived in my house； had presented this to me for a singular rarity。
I had a fancy to make some use of this knack； and therefore privately
told the Count； that he might possibly run the same fortune other
bridegrooms had sometimes done； especially some one being in the house；
who； no doubt； would be glad to do him such a courtesy： but let him
boldly go to bed。 For I would do him the office of a friend； and； if
need were； would not spare a miracle it was in my power to do； provided
he would engage to me； upon his honour； to keep it to himself； and only；
when they came to bring him his caudle；＇A custom in France to bring the
bridegroom a caudle in the middle of the night on his wedding…night＇
if matters had not gone well with him； to give me such a sign； and leave
the rest to me。 Now he had had his ears so battered； and his mind so
prepossessed with the eternal tattle of this business； that when he came
to't； he did really find himself tied with the trouble of his
imagination； and； accordingly； at the time appointed； gave me the sign。
Whereupon； I whispered him in the ear； that he should rise； under
pretence of putting us out of the room； and after a jesting manner pull
my nightgown from my shoulderswe were of much about the same height
throw it over his own； and there keep it till he had performed what I had
appointed him to do； which was； that when we were all gone out of the
chamber； he should withdraw to make water； should three times repeat such
and such words； and as often do such and such actions； that at every of
the three times； he should tie the ribbon I put into his hand about his
middle； and be sure to place the medal that was fastened to it； the
figures in such a posture； exactly upon his reins； which being done； and
having the last of the three times so well girt and fast tied the ribbon
that it could neither untie nor slip from its place； let him confidently
return to his business； and withal not forget to spread my gown upon the
bed； so that it might be sure to cover them both。 These ape's tricks are
the main of the effect； our fancy being so far seduced as to believe that
such strange means must； of necessity； proceed from some abstruse
science： their very inanity gives them weight and reverence。 And；
certain it is； that my figures approved themselves more venereal than
solar； more active than prohibitive。 'Twas a sudden whimsey； mixed with
a little curiosity； that made me do a thing so contrary to my nature； for
I am an enemy to all subtle and counterfeit actions； and abominate all
manner of trickery； though it be for sport； and to an advantage； for
though the action may not be vicious in itself； its mode is vicious。
Amasis； King of Egypt； having married Laodice； a very beautiful Greek
virgin； though noted for his abilities elsewhere； found himself quite
another man with his wife； and could by no means enjoy her； at which he
was so enraged； that he threatened to kill her； suspecting her to be a
witch。 As 'tis usual in things that consist in fancy； she put him upon
devotion； and having accordingly made his vows to Venus； he found himself
divinely restored the very first night after his oblations and
sacrifices。 Now women are to blame to entertain us with that disdainful；
coy； and angry countenance； which extinguishes our vigour； as it kindles
our desire； which made the daughter…in…law of Pythagoras＇Theano； the
lady in question was the wife； not the daughter…in…law of Pythagoras。＇
say； 〃That the woman who goes to bed to a man； must put off her modesty
with her petticoat； and put it on again with the same。〃 The soul of the
assailant； being disturbed with many several alarms； readily loses the
power of performance； and whoever the imagination has once put this trick
upon； and confounded with the shame of it （and she never does it but at
the first acquaintance； by reason men are then more ardent and eager； and
also； at this first account a man gives of himself； he is much more
timorous of miscarrying）； having made an ill beginning； he enters into
such fever and despite at the accident； as are apt to remain and continue
with him upon following occasions。
Married people； having all their time before them； ought never to compel
or so much as to offer at the feat； if they do not find themselves quite
ready： and it is less unseemly to fail of handselling the nuptial sheets；
when a man perceives himself full of agitation and trembling； and to
await another opportunity at more private and more composed leisure； than
to make himself perpetually miserable； for having misbehaved himself and
been baffled at the first assault。 Till possession be taken； a man that
knows himself subject to this infirmity； should leisurely and by degrees
make several little trials and light offers； without obstinately
attempting at once； to Force an absolute conquest over his own mutinous
and indisposed faculties。 Such as know their members to be naturally
obedient； need take no other care but only to counterplot their
fantasies。
The indocile liberty of this member is very remarkable； so importunately
unruly in its tumidity and impatience； when we do not require it； and so
unseasonably disobedient； when we stand most in need of it： so
imperiously contesting in authority with the will； and with so much
haughty obstinacy denying all solicitation； both of hand and mind。 And
yet； though his rebellion is so universally complained of； and that proof
is thence deduced to condemn him； if he had； nevertheless； feed me to
plead his cause； I should peradventure； bring the rest of his fellow…
members into suspicion of complotting this mischief against him； out of
pure envy at the importance and pleasure especial to his employment； and
to have； by confederacy； armed the whole world against him； by
malevolently charging him alone； with their common offence。 For let any
one consider； whether there is any one part of our bodies that does not
often refuse to perform its office at the precept of the will； and that
does not often exercise its function in defiance of her command。 They
have every one of them passions of their own； that rouse and awaken；
stupefy and benumb them； without our leave or consent。 How often do the
involuntary motions of the countenance discover our inward thoughts； and
betray our most private secrets to the bystanders。 The same cause that
animates this member； does also； without our knowledge； animate the
lungs； pulse； and heart； the sight of a pleasing object imperceptibly
diffusing a flame through all our parts； with a feverish motion。 Is
there nothing but these veins and muscles that swell and flag without the
consent； not only of the will； but even of our knowledge also？ We do not
command our hairs to stand on end； nor our skin to shiver either with
fear or desire； the hands often convey themselves to parts to which we do
not direct them； the tongue will be interdict； and the voice congealed；
when we know not how to help it。 When we have nothing to eat； and would
willingly forbid it； the appetite does not； for all that； forbear to stir
up the parts that are subject to it； no more nor less than the other
appetite we were speaking