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It is this boggling over exteriors； this peering into pitfalls；
this desire to prove that what such senses as we have tell us is
impossible； is in fact possible； which causes the overthrow of
many an earnest； seeking heart and renders its work； conducted on
false lines； quite nugatory。 These will trust to themselves and
their own intelligence and not be content to spring from the
cliffs of human experience into the everlasting arms of that
Infinite which are stretched out to receive them and to give them
rest and the keys of knowledge。 When will man learn what was
taught to him of old； that faith is the only plank wherewith he
can float upon this sea and that his miserable works avail him
nothing； also that it is a plank made of many sorts of wood；
perhaps to suit our different weights？
So to be honest； in a sense I believe myself to be my father's
superior； and I know that he agreed with me。 Perhaps this is
owing to the blood of my Scotch mother which mixed well with his
own； perhaps because the essential spirit given to me； though
cast in his mould； was in fact quite differentor of another
alloy。 Do we； I wonder； really understand that there are millions
and billions of these alloys； so many indeed that Nature； or
whatever is behind Nature； never uses the same twice over？ That
is why no two human beings are or ever will be quite identical。
Their flesh； the body of their humiliation； is identical in all；
any chemist will prove it to you； but that which animates the
flesh is distinct and different because it comes from the home of
that infinite variety which is necessary to the ultimate
evolution of the good and bad that we symbolise as heaven and
hell。
Further； I had and to a certain extent still have another
advantage over my father； which certainly came to me from my
mother； who was； as I judge from all descriptions and such
likenesses as remain of her； an extremely handsome woman。 I was
born much better looking。 He was small and dark； a little man
with deep…set eyes and beetling brows。 I am also dark； but tall
above the average； and well made。 I do not know that I need say
more about my personal appearance； to me not a very attractive
subject； but the fact remains that they called me 〃handsome
Humphrey〃 at the University； and I was the captain of my college
boat and won many prizes at athletic sports when I had time to
train for them。
Until I went up to Oxford my father educated me； partly because
he knew that he could do it better than anyone else； and partly
to save school expenses。 The experiment was very successful； as my
love of all outdoor sports and of any small hazardous adventure
that came to my hand； also of associating with fisherfolk whom
the dangers of the deep make men among men； saved me from
becoming a milksop。 For the rest I learned more from my father；
whom I always desired to please because I loved him； than I
should have done at the best and most costly of schools。 This was
shown when at last I went to college with a scholarship； for
there I did very well indeed； as search would still reveal。
Here I had better set out some of my shortcomings； which in
their sum have made a failure of me。 Yes； a failure in the
highest sense； though I trust what Stevenson calls 〃a faithful
failure。〃 These have their root in fastidiousness and that lack
of perseverance； which really means a lack of faith； again using
the word in its higher and wider sense。 For if one had real faith
one would always persevere； knowing that in every work undertaken
with high aim； there is an element of nobility； however humble
and unrecognised that work may seem to be。 God after all is the
God of Work； it is written large upon the face of the Universe。 I
will not expand upon the thought； it would lead me too far
afield； but those who have understanding will know what I mean。
As regards what I interpret as fastidiousness； this is not very
easy to express。 Perhaps a definition will help。 I am like a man
with an over…developed sense of smell； who when walking through a
foreign city； however clean and well kept； can always catch the
evil savours that are inseparable from such cities。 More； his
keen perception of them interferes with all other perceptions and
spoils his walks。 The result is that in after years； whenever he
thinks of that beautiful city； he remembers； not its historic
buildings or its wide boulevards； or whatever it has to boast；
but rather its ancient； fish…like smell。 At least he remembers
that first owing to this defect in his temperament。
So it is with everything。 A lovely woman is spoiled for such a
one because she eats too much or has too high a voice； he does
not care for his shooting because the scenery is flat； or for his
fishing because the gnats bite as well as the trout。 In short he
is out of tune with the world as it is。 Moreover； this is a
quality which； where it exists； cannot be overcome； it affects
day…labourers as well as gentlemen at large。 It is bred in the
bone。
Probably the second failure…breeding fault； lack of
perseverance； has its roots in the first； at any rate in my case。
At least on leaving college with some reputation； I was called to
the Bar where； owing to certain solicitor and other connections；
I had a good opening。 Also； owing to the excellence of my memory
and powers of work； I began very well； making money even during
my first year。 Then； as it happened； a certain case came my way
and； my leader falling ill suddenly after it was opened； was left
in my hands。 The man whose cause I was pleading was； I think； one
of the biggest scoundrels it is possible to conceive。 It was a
will case and if he won； the effect would be to beggar two most
estimable middle…aged women who were justly entitled to the
property； to which end personally I am convinced he had committed
forgery； the perjury that accompanied it I do not even mention。
Well； he did win； thanks to me； and the estimable middle…aged
ladies were beggared； and as I heard afterwards； driven to such
extremities that one of them died of her misery and the other
became a lodging…house keeper。 The details do not matter； but I
may explain that these ladies were unattractive in appearance and
manner and broke down beneath my cross…examination which made
them appear to be telling falsehoods； whereas they were only
completely confused。 Further； I invented an ingenious theory of
the facts which； although the judge regarded it with suspicion；
convinced an unusually stupid jury who gave me their verdict。
Everybody congratulated me and at the time I was triumphant；
especially as my leader had declared that our case was
impossible。 Afterwards； however； my conscience smote me sorely；
so much so that arguing from the false premise of this business；
I came to the conclusion that the practice of the Law was not
suited to an honest man。 I did not take the large view that such
matters average themselves up and that if I had done harm in this
instance； I might live to do good in many others； and perhaps
become a just judge； even a great judge。 Here I may mention that
in after years； when I grew rich； I rescued that surviving old
lady from her lodging…house； although to this day she does not
know the name of her anonymous friend。 So by degrees； without
saying anything； for I kept on my chambers； I slipped out of
practice； to the great disappointment of everybody connected with
me； and took to authorship。
A marvel came to pass； my first book was an enormous success。
The whole world talked of it。 A leading journal； delighted to
have discovered someone； wrote it up； other journals followed
suit to be in the movement。 One of them； I remember； which had
already dismissed it with three or four sneering lines； came out
with a second and two…column notice。 It sold like wildfire and I
suppose had some merits； for it is still read； though few know
that I wrote it； since fortunately it was published under a
pseudonym。
Again I was much elated and set to work to write another and；
as I believe； a much better book。 But jealousies had been excited
by this leaping into fame of a totally unknown person； which
were； moreover； accentuated through a foolish article that I
published in answer to some criticisms； wherein I spoke my mind
with an insane freedom and biting sarcasm。 Indeed I was even mad
enough to quote names and to give the example of the very
powerful journal which at first carped at my work and then gushed
over it when it became the fashion。 All of this made me many
bitter enemies； as I found out when my next book appeared。
It was torn to shreds； it was reviled as subversive of morality
and religion； good arrows in those days。 It was called puerile；
half…educated stuffI half…educated！ More； an utterly false
charge of plagiarism was cooked up against me and so well and
venomously run that vast numbers of people