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and I liked women； but at the same time they repelled me。
My old fastidiousness came in； to my taste there was always
something wrong about them。 While they attracted one part of my
nature they revolted another part； and on the whole I preferred
to do without their intimate society； rather than work violence
to this second and higher part of me。 Moreover； quite at the
beginning of my career I had concluded from observation that a
man gets on better in life alone； rather than with another to
drag at his side； or by whom perhaps he must be dragged。 Still
true marriage； such as most men and some women have dreamed of in
their youth； had always been one of my ideals； indeed it was on
and around this vision that I wrote that first book of mine which
was so successful。 Since I knew this to be unattainable in our
imperfect conditions； however； notwithstanding Bastin's
strictures； again I dismissed the whole matter from my mind as a
vain imagination。
As an alternative I reflected upon a parliamentary career which
I was not too old to begin； and even toyed with one or two
opportunities that offered themselves； as these do to men of
wealth and advanced views。 They never came to anything； for in
the end I decided that Party politics were so hateful and so
dishonest； that I could not bring myself to put my neck beneath
their yoke。 I was sure that if I tried to do so； I should fail
more completely than I had done at the Bar and in Literature。
Here； too； I am quite certain that I was right。
The upshot of it all was that I sought refuge in that last
expedient of weary Englishmen； travel； not as a globe…trotter；
but leisurely and with an inquiring mind； learning much but again
finding； like the ancient writer whom I have quoted already； that
there is no new thing under the sun； that with certain variations
it is the same thing over and over again。
No； I will make an exception； the East did interest me
enormously。 There it was； at Benares； that I came into touch with
certain thinkers who opened my eyes to a great deal。 They
released some hidden spring in my nature which hitherto had
always been striving to break through the crust of our
conventions and inherited ideas。 I know now that what I was
seeking was nothing less than the Infinite； that I had 〃immortal
longings in me。〃 I listened to all their solemn talk of epochs
and years measureless to man； and reflected with a thrill that
after all man might have his part in every one of them。 Yes； that
bird of passage as he seemed to be； flying out of darkness into
darkness； still he might have spread his wings in the light of
other suns millions upon millions of years ago； and might still
spread them； grown radiant and glorious； millions upon millions
of years hence in a time unborn。
If only I could know the truth。 Was Life （according to Bickley）
merely a short activity bounded by nothingness before and behind；
or （according to Bastin） a conventional golden…harped and haloed
immortality； a word of which he did not in the least understand
the meaning？
Or was it something quite different from either of these；
something vast and splendid beyond the reach of vision；
something God…sent； beginning and ending in the Eternal Absolute
and at last partaking of His attributes and nature and from aeon
to aeon shot through with His light？ And how was the truth to be
learned？ I asked my Eastern friends； and they talked vaguely of
long ascetic preparation； of years upon years of learning； from
whom I could not quite discover。 I was sure it could not be from
them； because clearly they did not know； they only passed on what
they had heard elsewhere； when or how they either could not or
would not explain。 So at length I gave it up； having satisfied
myself that all this was but an effort of Oriental imagination
called into life by the sweet influences of the Eastern stars。
I gave it up and went away； thinking that I should forget。 But
I did not forget。 I was quick with a new hope； or at any rate
with a new aspiration； and that secret child of holy desire grew
and grew within my soul； till at length it flashed upon me that
this soul of mine was itself the hidden Master from which I must
learn my lesson。 No wonder that those Eastern friends could not
give his name； seeing that whatever they really knew； as
distinguished from what they had heard； and it was little enough；
each of them had learned from the teaching of his own soul。
Thus； then； I too became a dreamer with only one longing； the
longing for wisdom； for that spirit touch which should open my
eyes and enable me to see。
Yet now it happened strangely enough that when I seemed within
myself to have little further interest in the things of the
world； and least of all in women； I； who had taken another guest
to dwell with me； those things of the world came back to me and
in the shape of Woman the Inevitable。 Probably it was so decreed
since is it not written that no man can live to himself alone； or
lose himself in watching and nurturing the growth of his own
soul？
It happened thus。 I went to Rome on my way home from India； and
stayed there a while。 On the day after my arrival I wrote my name
in the book of our Minister to Italy at that time； Sir Alfred
Upton； not because I wished him to ask me to dinner； but for the
reason that I had heard of him as a man of archeological tastes
and thought that he might enable me to see things which otherwise
I should not see。
As it chanced he knew about me through some of my Devonshire
neighbours who were friends of his； and did ask me to dinner on
the following night。 I accepted and found myself one of a
considerable party； some of them distinguished English people who
wore Orders； as is customary when one dines with the
representative of our Sovereign。 Seeing these； and this shows
that in the best of us vanity is only latent； for the first time
in my life I was sorry that I had none and was only plain Mr。
Arbuthnot who； as Sir Alfred explained to me politely； must go in
to dinner last； because all the rest had titles； and without even
a lady as there was not one to spare。
Nor was my lot bettered when I got there； as I found myself
seated between an Italian countess and a Russian prince； neither
of whom could talk English； while； alas； I knew no foreign
language； not even French in which they addressed me； seeming
surprised that I did not understand them。 I was humiliated at my
own ignorance； although in fact I was not ignorant； only my
education had been classical。 Indeed I was a good classic and had
kept up my knowledge more or less； especially since I became an
idle man。 In my confusion it occurred to me that the Italian
countess might know Latin from which her own language was
derived； and addressed her in that tongue。 She stared； and Sir
Alfred； who was not far off and overheard me （he also knew
Latin）； burst into laughter and proceeded to explain the joke in
a loud voice； first in French and then in English； to the
assembled company； who all became infected with merriment and
also stared at me as a curiosity。
Then it was that for the first time I saw Natalie； for owing to
a mistake of my driver I had arrived rather late and had not been
introduced to her。 As her father's only daughter； her mother
being dead； she was seated at the end of the table behind a
fan…like arrangement of white Madonna lilies； and she had bent
forward and； like the others； was looking at me； but in such a
fashion that her head from that distance seemed as though it were
surrounded and crowned with lilies。 Indeed the greatest art could
not have produced a more beautiful effect which was； however；
really one of naked accident。
An angel looking down upon earth through the lilies of
Heaventhat was the rather absurd thought which flashed into my
mind。 I did not quite realise her face at first except that it
seemed to be both dark and fair； as a fact her waving hair which
grew rather low upon her forehead； was dark； and her large； soft
eyes were grey。 I did not know； and to this moment I do not know
if she was really beautiful； but certainly the light that shone
through those eyes of hers and seemed to be reflected upon her
delicate features； was beauty itself。 It was like that glowing
through a thin vase of the purest alabaster within which a lamp
is placed； and I felt this effect to arise from no chance； like
that of the lily…setting； but； as it were； from the lamp of the
spirit within。
Our eyes met； and I suppose that she saw the wonder and
admiration in mine。 At any rate her amused smile faded； leaving
the face rather serious； though still sweetly serious； and a
tinge of colour crept over it as the first hue of dawn creeps
into a pearly sky。 Then she withdrew herself behind the screen of
lilies and for the rest of that dinner which I thought was never
coming to