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THREE MEN ON THE BUMMEL
THREE MEN ON THE
BUMMEL
by Jerome K。 Jerome
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THREE MEN ON THE BUMMEL
CHAPTER I
Three men need changeAnecdote showing evil result of deception
Moral cowardice of GeorgeHarris has ideasYarn of the Ancient
Mariner and the Inexperienced YachtsmanA hearty crewDanger of
sailing when the wind is off the landImpossibility of sailing when the
wind is off the seaThe argumentativeness of Ethelbertha… …The dampness
of the riverHarris suggests a bicycle tourGeorge thinks of the wind
Harris suggests the Black ForestGeorge thinks of the hillsPlan adopted
by Harris for ascent of hills Interruption by Mrs。 Harris。
〃What we want；〃 said Harris； 〃is a change。〃
At this moment the door opened； and Mrs。 Harris put her head in to
say that Ethelbertha had sent her to remind me that we must not be late
getting home because of Clarence。 Ethelbertha； I am inclined to think； is
unnecessarily nervous about the children。 As a matter of fact； there was
nothing wrong with the child whatever。 He had been out with his aunt
that morning； and if he looks wistfully at a pastrycook's window she takes
him inside and buys him cream buns and 〃maids…of…honour〃 until he
insists that he has had enough； and politely； but firmly； refuses to eat
another anything。 Then； of course； he wants only one helping of pudding
at lunch； and Ethelbertha thinks he is sickening for something。 Mrs。
Harris added that it would be as well for us to come upstairs soon； on our
own account also； as otherwise we should miss Muriel's rendering of 〃The
Mad Hatter's Tea Party；〃 out of Alice in Wonderland。 Muriel is Harris's
second； age eight： she is a bright； intelligent child； but I prefer her
myself in serious pieces。 We said we would finish our cigarettes and
follow almost immediately； we also begged her not to let Muriel begin
until we arrived。 She promised to hold the child back as long as possible；
and went。 Harris； as soon as the door was closed； resumed his
interrupted sentence。
〃You know what I mean；〃 he said； 〃a complete change。〃
The question was how to get it。
George suggested 〃business。〃 It was the sort of suggestion George
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THREE MEN ON THE BUMMEL
would make。 A bachelor thinks a married woman doesn't know enough
to get out of the way of a steam…roller。 I knew a young fellow once； an
engineer； who thought he would go to Vienna 〃on business。〃 His wife
wanted to know 〃what business？〃 He told her it would be his duty to
visit the mines in the neighbourhood of the Austrian capital； and to make
reports。 She said she would go with him； she was that sort of woman。
He tried to dissuade her： he told her that a mine was no place for a
beautiful woman。 She said she felt that herself； and that therefore she did
not intend to accompany him down the shafts； she would see him off in
the morning； and then amuse herself until his return； looking round the
Vienna shops； and buying a few things she might want。 Having started
the idea； he did not see very well how to get out of it； and for ten long
summer days he did visit the mines in the neighbourhood of Vienna； and
in the evening wrote reports about them； which she posted for him to his
firm； who didn't want them。
I should be grieved to think that either Ethelbertha or Mrs。 Harris
belonged to that class of wife； but it is as well not to overdo 〃business〃it
should be kept for cases of real emergency。
〃No；〃 I said； 〃the thing is to be frank and manly。 I shall tell
Ethelbertha that I have come to the conclusion a man never values
happiness that is always with him。 I shall tell her that； for the sake of
learning to appreciate my own advantages as I know they should be
appreciated； I intend to tear myself away from her and the children for at
least three weeks。 I shall tell her；〃 I continued； turning to Harris； 〃that it
is you who have shown me my duty in this respect； that it is to you we
shall owe〃
Harris put down his glass rather hurriedly。
〃If you don't mind； old man；〃 he interrupted； 〃I'd really rather you
didn't。 She'll talk it over with my wife； andwell； I should not be happy；
taking credit that I do not deserve。〃
〃But you do deserve it；〃 I insisted； 〃it was your suggestion。〃
〃It was you gave me the idea；〃 interrupted Harris again。 〃You know
you said it was a mistake for a man to get into a groove； and that unbroken
domesticity cloyed the brain。〃
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〃I was speaking generally；〃 I explained。
〃It struck me as very apt；〃 said Harris。 〃I thought of repeating it to
Clara； she has a great opinion of your sense； I know。 I am sure that if〃
〃We won't risk it；〃 I interrupted； in my turn； 〃it is a delicate matter； and
I see a way out of it。 We will say George suggested the idea。〃
There is a lack of genial helpfulness about George that it sometimes
vexes me to notice。 You would have thought he would have welcomed
the chance of assisting two old friends out of a dilemma； instead； he
became disagreeable。
〃You do；〃 said George； 〃and I shall tell them both that my original plan
was that we should make a partychildren and all； that I should bring my
aunt； and that we should hire a charming old chateau I know of in
Normandy； on the coast； where the climate is peculiarly adapted to
delicate children； and the milk such as you do not get in England。 I shall
add that you over…rode that suggestion； arguing we should be happier by
ourselves。〃
With a man like George kindness is of no use； you have to be firm。
〃You do；〃 said Harris； 〃and I； for one； will close with the offer。 We will
just take that chateau。 You will bring your auntI will see to that；and
we will have a month of it。 The children are all fond of you； J。 and I will
be nowhere。 You've promised to teach Edgar fishing； and it is you who
will have to play wild beasts。 Since last Sunday Dick and Muriel have
talked of nothing else but your hippopotamus。 We will picnic in the
woodsthere will only be eleven of us；and in the evenings we will have
music and recitations。 Muriel is master of six pieces already； as perhaps
you know； and all the other children are quick studies。〃
George climbed downhe has no real couragebut he did not do it
gracefully。 He said that if we were mean and cowardly and false… hearted
enough to stoop to such a shabby trick； he supposed he couldn't help it；
and that if I didn't intend to finish the whole bottle of claret myself； he
would trouble me to spare him a glass。 He also added； somewhat
illogically； that it really did not matter； seeing both Ethelbertha and Mrs。
Harris were women of sense who would judge him better than to believe
for a moment that the suggestion emanated from him。
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This little point settled； the question was： What sort of a change？
Harris； as usual； was for the sea。 He said he knew a yacht； just the
very thingone that we could manage by ourselves； no skulking lot of
lubbers loafing about； adding to the expense and taking away from the
romance。 Give him a handy boy； he would sail it himself。 We knew that
yacht； and we told him so； we had been on it with Harris before。 It
smells of bilge…water and greens to the exclusion of all other scents； no
ordinary sea air can hope t