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〃No； I'm damned if it is after all！〃
What he said the third time I try to forget。
Then he lost his temper and tried bullying the thing。 The bicycle； I
was glad to see； showed spirit； and the subsequent proceedings
degenerated into little else than a rough…and…tumble fight between him and
the machine。 One moment the bicycle would be on the gravel path； and
he on top of it； the next； the position would be reversedhe on the gravel
path； the bicycle on him。 Now he would be standing flushed with victory；
the bicycle firmly fixed between his legs。 But his triumph would be
short…lived。 By a sudden； quick movement it would free itself； and；
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turning upon him； hit him sharply over the head with one of its handles。
At a quarter to one； dirty and dishevelled； cut and breeding； he said：
〃I think that will do；〃 and rose and wiped his brow。
The bicycle looked as if it also had had enough of it。 Which had
received most punishment it would have been difficult to say。 I took him
into the back kitchen； where； so far as was possible without soda and
proper tools； he cleaned himself； and sent him home。
The bicycle I put into a cab and took round to the nearest repairing
shop。 The foreman of the works came up and looked at it。
〃What do you want me to do with that？〃 said he。
〃I want you；〃 I said； 〃so far as is possible； to restore it。〃
〃It's a bit far gone；〃 said he； 〃but I'll do my best。〃
He did his best； which came to two pounds ten。 But it was never the
same machine again； and at the end of the season I left it in an agent's
hands to sell。 I wished to deceive nobody； I instructed the man to
advertise it as a last year's machine。 The agent advised me not to
mention any date。 He said：
〃In this business it isn't a question of what is true and what isn't； it's a
question of what you can get people to believe。 Now； between you and
me； it don't look like a last year's machine； so far as looks are concerned； it
might be a ten…year old。 We'll say nothing about date； we'll just get what
we can。〃
I left the matter to him； and he got me five pounds； which he said was
more than he had expected。
There are two ways you can get exercise out of a bicycle： you can
〃overhaul〃 it； or you can ride it。 On the whole； I am not sure that a man
who takes his pleasure overhauling does not have the best of the bargain。
He is independent of the weather and the wind； the state of the roads
troubles him not。 Give him a screw… hammer； a bundle of rags； an oil…
can； and something to sit down upon； and he is happy for the day。 He has
to put up with certain disadvantages； of course； there is no joy without
alloy。 He himself always looks like a tinker； and his machine always
suggests the idea that； having stolen it； he has tried to disguise it； but as he
rarely gets beyond the first milestone with it； this； perhaps； does not much
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matter。 The mistake some people make is in thinking they can get both
forms of sport out of the same machine。 This is impossible； no machine
will stand the double strain。 You must make up your mind whether you
are going to be an 〃overhauler〃 or a rider。 Personally； I prefer to ride；
therefore I take care to have near me nothing that can tempt me to
overhaul。 When anything happens to my machine I wheel it to the
nearest repairing shop。 If I am too far from the town or village to walk； I
sit by the roadside and wait till a cart comes along。 My chief danger； I
always find； is from the wandering overhauler。 The sight of a broken…
down machine is to the overhauler as a wayside corpse to a crow； he
swoops down upon it with a friendly yell of triumph。 At first I used to
try politeness。 I would say：
〃It is nothing； don't you trouble。 You ride on； and enjoy yourself； I
beg it of you as a favour； please go away。〃
Experience has taught me； however； that courtesy is of no use in such
an extremity。 Now I say：
〃You go away and leave the thing alone； or I will knock your silly
head off。〃
And if you look determined； and have a good stout cudgel in your
hand； you can generally drive him off。
George came in later in the day。 He said：
〃Well； do you think everything will be ready？〃
I said： 〃Everything will be ready by Wednesday； except； perhaps；
you and Harris。〃
He said： 〃Is the tandem all right？〃
〃The tandem；〃 I said； 〃is well。〃
He said： 〃You don't think it wants overhauling？〃
I replied： 〃Age and experience have taught me that there are few
matters concerning which a man does well to be positive。 Consequently；
there remain to me now but a limited number of questions upon which I
feel any degree of certainty。 Among such still…unshaken beliefs； however；
is the conviction that that tandem does not want overhauling。 I also feel
a presentiment that； provided my life is spared； no human being between
now and Wednesday morning is going to overhaul it。〃
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George said： 〃I should not show temper over the matter； if I were
you。 There will come a day； perhaps not far distant； when that bicycle；
with a couple of mountains between it and the nearest repairing shop； will；
in spite of your chronic desire for rest； HAVE to be overhauled。 Then
you will clamour for people to tell you where you put the oil…can； and
what you have done with the screw…hammer。 Then； while you exert
yourself holding the thing steady against a tree； you will suggest that
somebody else should clean the chain and pump the back wheel。〃
I felt there was justice in George's rebukealso a certain amount of
prophetic wisdom。 I said：
〃Forgive me if I seemed unresponsive。 The truth is； Harris was round
here this morning〃
George said： 〃Say no more； I understand。 Besides； what I came to
talk to you about was another matter。 Look at that。〃
He handed me a small book bound in red cloth。 It was a guide to
English conversation for the use of German travellers。 It commenced
〃On a Steam…boat；〃 and terminated 〃At the Doctor's〃； its longest chapter
being devoted to conversation in a railway carriage； among； apparently； a
compartment load of quarrelsome and ill…mannered lunatics： 〃Can you
not get further away from me； sir？〃〃It is impossible； madam； my
neighbour； here； is very stout〃〃Shall we not endeavour to arrange our
legs？〃〃Please have the goodness to keep your elbows down〃〃Pray do
not inconvenience yourself； madam； if my shoulder is of any
accommodation to you；〃 whether intended to be said sarcastically or not；
there was nothing to indicate〃I really must request you to move a little；
madam； I can hardly breathe；〃 the author's idea being； presumably； that by
this time the whole party was mixed up together on the floor。 The
chapter concluded with the phrase； 〃Here we are at our destination； God
be thanked！ （Gott sei dank！）〃 a pious exclamation； which under the
circumstances must have taken the form of a chorus。
At the end of the book was an appendix； giving the German traveller
hints concerning the preservation of his health and comfort during his
sojourn in English towns； chief among such hints being advice to him to
always travel with a supply of disinfectant powder； to always lock his