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bedroom door at night； and to always carefully count his small change。
〃It is not a brilliant publication；〃 I remarked； handing the book back to
George； 〃it is not a book that personally I would recommend to any
German about to visit England； I think it would get him disliked。 But I
have read books published in London for the use of English travellers
abroad every whit as foolish。 Some educated idiot； misunderstanding
seven languages； would appear to go about writing these books for the
misinformation and false guidance of modern Europe。〃
〃You cannot deny；〃 said George； 〃that these books are in large request。
They are bought by the thousand； I know。 In every town in Europe there
must be people going about talking this sort of thing。〃
〃Maybe；〃 I replied； 〃but fortunately nobody understands them。 I
have noticed； myself； men standing on railway platforms and at street
corners reading aloud from such books。 Nobody knows what language
they are speaking； nobody has the slightest knowledge of what they are
saying。 This is； perhaps； as well； were they understood they would
probably be assaulted。〃
George said： 〃Maybe you are right； my idea is to see what would
happen if they were understood。 My proposal is to get to London early
on Wednesday morning； and spend an hour or two going about and
shopping with the aid of this book。 There are one or two little things I
wanta hat and a pair of bedroom slippers； among other articles。 Our
boat does not leave Tilbury till twelve； and that just gives us time。 I want
to try this sort of talk where I can properly judge of its effect。 I want to
see how the foreigner feels when he is talked to in this way。〃
It struck me as a sporting idea。 In my enthusiasm I offered to
accompany him； and wait outside the shop。 I said I thought that Harris
would like to be in it； tooor rather outside。
George said that was not quite his scheme。 His proposal was that
Harris and I should accompany him into the shop。 With Harris； who
looks formidable； to support him； and myself at the door to call the police
if necessary； he said he was willing to adventure the thing。
We walked round to Harris's； and put the proposal before him。 He
examined the book； especially the chapters dealing with the purchase of
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shoes and hats。 He said：
〃If George talks to any bootmaker or any hatter the things that are put
down here； it is not support he will want； it is carrying to the hospital that
he will need。〃
That made George angry。
〃You talk；〃 said George； 〃as though I were a foolhardy boy without
any sense。 I shall select from the more polite and less irritating speeches；
the grosser insults I shall avoid。〃
This being clearly understood； Harris gave in his adhesion； and our
start was fixed for early Wednesday morning。
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CHAPTER IV
Why Harris considers alarm clocks unnecessary in a familySocial
instinct of the youngA child's thoughts about the morningThe sleepless
watchmanThe mystery of himHis over anxietyNight thoughtsThe
sort of work one does before breakfastThe good sheep and the bad
Disadvantages of being virtuousHarris's new stove begins badlyThe
daily out…going of my Uncle PodgerThe elderly city man considered as a
racerWe arrive in LondonWe talk the language of the traveller。
George came down on Tuesday evening； and slept at Harris's place。
We thought this a better arrangement than his own suggestion； which was
that we should call for him on our way and 〃pick him up。〃 Picking George
up in the morning means picking him out of bed to begin with； and
shaking him awakein itself an exhausting effort with which to commence
the day； helping him find his things and finish his packing； and then
waiting for him while he eats his breakfast； a tedious entertainment from
the spectator's point of view； full of wearisome repetition。
I knew that if he slept at 〃Beggarbush〃 he would be up in time； I have
slept there myself； and I know what happens。 About the middle of the
night； as you judge； though in reality it may be somewhat later； you are
startled out of your first sleep by what sounds like a rush of cavalry along
the passage； just outside your door。 Your half…awakened intelligence
fluctuates between burglars； the Day of Judgment； and a gas explosion。
You sit up in bed and listen intently。 You are not kept waiting long； the
next moment a door is violently slammed； and somebody； or something； is
evidently coming downstairs on a tea…tray。
〃I told you so；〃 says a voice outside； and immediately some hard
substance； a head one would say from the ring of it； rebounds against the
panel of your door。
By this time you are charging madly round the room for your clothes。
Nothing is where you put it overnight； the articles most essential have
disappeared entirely； and meanwhile the murder； or revolution； or
whatever it is； continues unchecked。 You pause for a moment； with your
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head under the wardrobe； where you think you can see your slippers； to
listen to a steady； monotonous thumping upon a distant door。 The victim；
you presume； has taken refuge there； they mean to have him out and finish
him。 Will you be in time？ The knocking ceases； and a voice； sweetly
reassuring in its gentle plaintiveness； asks meekly：
〃Pa； may I get up？〃
You do not hear the other voice； but the responses are：
〃No； it was only the bathno； she ain't really hurt；only wet； you
know。 Yes； ma； I'll tell 'em what you say。 No； it was a pure accident。
Yes； good…night； papa。〃
Then the same voice； exerting itself so as to be heard in a distant part
of the house； remarks：
〃You've got to come upstairs again。 Pa says it isn't time yet to get
up。〃
You return to bed； and lie listening to somebody being dragged
upstairs； evidently against their will。 By a thoughtful arrangement the
spare rooms at 〃Beggarbush〃 are exactly underneath the nurseries。 The
same somebody； you conclude； still offering the most creditable opposition；
is being put back into bed。 You can follow the contest with much
exactitude； because every time the body is flung down upon the spring
mattress； the bedstead； just above your head； makes a sort of jump； while
every time the body succeeds in struggling out again； you are aware by the
thud upon the floor。 After a time the struggle wanes； or maybe the bed
collapses； and you drift back into sleep。 But the next moment； or what
seems to be the next moment； you again open your eyes under the
consciousness of a presence。 The door is being held ajar； and four
solemn faces； piled one on top of the other； are peering at you； as though
you were some natural curiosity kept in this particular room。 Seeing you
awake； the top face； walking calmly over the other three； comes in and sits
on the bed in a friendly attitude。
〃Oh！〃 it says； 〃we didn't know you were awake。 I've been awake
some time。〃
〃So I gather；〃 you reply； shortly。
〃Pa doesn't like us to get up too early；〃 it continues。 〃He says
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everybody else in the house is l