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buying boots； George had carefully selected the one centred round 〃Mr。
X；〃 as being of all the most courtly。 You talked a good deal with the
shopkeeper about this 〃Mr。 X；〃 and then； when by this means friendship
and understanding had been established； you slid naturally and gracefully
into the immediate object of your coming； namely； your desire for boots；
〃cheap and good。〃 This gross； material man cared； apparently； nothing
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for the niceties of retail dealing。 It was necessary with such an one to
come to business with brutal directness。 George abandoned 〃Mr。 X；〃 and
turning back to a previous page； took a sentence at random。 It was not a
happy selection； it was a speech that would have been superfluous made to
any bootmaker。 Under the present circumstances； threatened and stifled
as we were on every side by boots； it possessed the dignity of positive
imbecilitiy。 It ran：… 〃One has told me that you have here boots for sale。〃
For the first time the man put down his hammer and chisel； and looked
at us。 He spoke slowly； in a thick and husky voice。 He said：
〃What d'ye think I keep boots forto smell 'em？〃
He was one of those men that begin quietly and grow more angry as
they proceed； their wrongs apparently working within them like yeast。
〃What d'ye think I am；〃 he continued； 〃a boot collector？ What d'ye
think I'm running this shop formy health？ D'ye think I love the boots；
and can't bear to part with a pair？ D'ye think I hang 'em about here to
look at 'em？ Ain't there enough of 'em？ Where d'ye think you arein
an international exhibition of boots？ What d'ye think these boots area
historical collection？ Did you ever hear of a man keeping a boot shop
and not selling boots？ D'ye think I decorate the shop with 'em to make it
look pretty？ What d'ye take me fora prize idiot？〃
I have always maintained that these conversation books are never of
any real use。 What we wanted was some English equivalent for the well…
known German idiom： 〃Behalten Sie Ihr Haar auf。〃
Nothing of the sort was to be found in the book from beginning to end。
However； I will do George the credit to admit he chose the very best
sentence that was to be found therein and applied it。 He said：。
〃I will come again； when； perhaps； you will have some more boots to
show me。 Till then； adieu！〃
With that we returned to our cab and drove away； leaving the man
standing in the centre of his boot…bedecked doorway addressing remarks to
us。 What he said； I did not hear； but the passers…by appeared to find it
interesting。
George was for stopping at another boot shop and trying the
experiment afresh； he said he really did want a pair of bedroom slippers。
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But we persuaded him to postpone their purchase until our arrival in some
foreign city； where the tradespeople are no doubt more inured to this sort
of talk； or else more naturally amiable。 On the subject of the hat；
however； he was adamant。 He maintained that without that he could not
travel； and； accordingly； we pulled up at a small shop in the Blackfriars
Road。
The proprietor of this shop was a cheery； bright…eyed little man； and he
helped us rather than hindered us。
When George asked him in the words of the book； 〃Have you any
hats？〃 he did not get angry； he just stopped and thoughtfully scratched his
chin。
〃Hats；〃 said he。 〃Let me think。 Yes〃here a smile of positive
pleasure broke over his genial countenance〃yes； now I come to think of
it； I believe I have a hat。 But； tell me； why do you ask me？〃
George explained to him that he wished to purchase a cap； a travelling
cap； but the essence of the transaction was that it was to be a 〃good cap。〃
The man's face fell。
〃Ah；〃 he remarked； 〃there； I am afraid； you have me。 Now； if you
had wanted a bad cap； not worth the price asked for it； a cap good for
nothing but to clean windows with； I could have found you the very thing。
But a good capno； we don't keep them。 But wait a minute；〃 he
continued；on seeing the disappointment that spread over George's
expressive countenance； 〃don't be in a hurry。 I have a cap here〃he went
to a drawer and opened it〃it is not a good cap； but it is not so bad as most
of the caps I sell。〃
He brought it forward； extended on his palm。
〃What do you think of that？〃 he asked。 〃Could you put up with
that？〃
George fitted it on before the glass； and； choosing another remark from
the book； said：
〃This hat fits me sufficiently well； but； tell me； do you consider that it
becomes me？〃
The man stepped back and took a bird's…eye view。
〃Candidly；〃 he replied； 〃I can't say that it does。〃
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He turned from George； and addressed himself to Harris and myself。
〃Your friend's beauty；〃 said he； 〃I should describe as elusive。 It is
there； but you can easily miss it。 Now； in that cap； to my mind； you do
miss it。〃
At that point it occurred to George that he had had sufficient fun with
this particular man。 He said：
〃That is all right。 We don't want to lose the train。 How much？〃
Answered the man： 〃The price of that cap； sir； which； in my opinion；
is twice as much as it is worth； is four…and…six。 Would you like it
wrapped up in brown paper； sir； or in white？〃
George said he would take it as it was； paid the man four…and…six in…
silver； and went out。 Harris and I followed。
At Fenchurch Street we compromised with our cabman for five
shillings。 He made us another courtly bow； and begged us to remember
him to the Emperor of Austria。
Comparing views in the train； we agreed that we had lost the game by
two points to one； and George； who was evidently disappointed； threw the
book out of window。
We found our luggage and the bicycles safe on the boat； and with the
tide at twelve dropped down the river。
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CHAPTER V
A necessary digressionIntroduced by story containing moralOne of
the charms of this bookThe Journal that did not command successIts
boast： 〃Instruction combined with Amusement〃 Problem： say what
should be considered instructive and what amusingA popular game
Expert opinion on English lawAnother of the charms of this bookA
hackneyed tuneYet a third charm of this bookThe sort of wood it was
where the maiden lived Description of the Black Forest。
A story is told of a Scotchman who； loving a lassie； desired her for his
wife。 But he possessed the prudence of his race。 He had noticed in his
circle many an otherwise promising union result in disappointment and
dismay； purely in consequence of the false estimate formed by bride or
bridegroom concerning the imagined perfectability of the other。 He
determined that in his own case no collapsed ideal should be possible。
Therefore； it was that his proposal took the following form：
〃I'm but a puir lad； Jennie； I hae nae siller to offer ye； and nae land。〃
〃Ah； but ye hae yoursel'； Davie！〃
〃An' I'm wishfu' it wa' onything else； lassie。 I'm nae but a puir ill…
seasoned loon； Jennie。〃
〃Na； na； there's mony a lad mair ill…looking than yoursel'； Davie。〃
〃I hae na seen him； lass； and I'm just a…thinkin' I shouldna' care to。〃
〃Better a plain man； Davie； that ye can depend a' than ane that would
be a speirin' at the lassies； a…bringin' trouble into the hame wi' his flouting
ways。〃
〃Dinna ye reckon on that； Jennie； it's nae the bon