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ways。〃
〃Dinna ye reckon on that； Jennie； it's nae the bonniest Bubbly Jock
that mak's the most feathers to fly in the kailyard。 I was ever a lad to run
after the petticoats； as is weel kent； an' it's a weary handfu' I'll be to ye； I'm
thinkin'。〃
〃Ah； but ye hae a kind heart； Davie！ an' ye love me weel。 I'm sure
on't。〃
〃I like ye weel enoo'； Jennie； though I canna say how long the feeling
may bide wi' me； an' I'm kind enoo' when I hae my ain way； an' naethin'
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happens to put me oot。 But I hae the deevil's ain temper； as my mither
call tell ye； an' like my puir fayther； I'm a… thinkin'； I'll grow nae better as I
grow mair auld。〃
〃Ay； but ye're sair hard upon yersel'； Davie。 Ye're an honest lad。 I ken
ye better than ye ken yersel'； an' ye'll mak a guid hame for me。〃
〃Maybe； Jennie！ But I hae my doots。 It's a sair thing for wife an'
bairns when the guid man canna keep awa' frae the glass； an' when the
scent of the whusky comes to me it's just as though I hae'd the throat o' a
Loch Tay salmon； it just gaes doon an' doon； an' there's nae filling o' me。〃
〃Ay； but ye're a guid man when ye're sober； Davie。〃
〃Maybe I'll be that； Jennie； if I'm nae disturbed。〃
〃An' ye'll bide wi' me； Davie； an' work for me？〃
〃I see nae reason why I shouldna bide wi' yet Jennie； but dinna ye
clack aboot work to me； for I just canna bear the thoct o't。〃
〃Anyhow； ye'll do your best； Davie？ As the minister says； nae man
can do mair than that。〃
〃An' it's a puir best that mine'll be； Jennie； and I'm nae sae sure ye'll
hae ower muckle even o' that。 We're a' weak； sinfu' creatures； Jennie； an'
ye'd hae some deefficulty to find a man weaker or mair sinfu' than mysel'。〃
〃Weel； weel； ye hae a truthfu' tongue； Davie。 Mony a lad will mak
fine promises to a puir lassie； only to break 'em an' her heart wi' 'em。 Ye
speak me fair； Davie； and I'm thinkin' I'll just tak ye； an' see what comes
o't。〃
Concerning what did come of it； the story is silent； but one feels that
under no circumstances had the lady any right to complain of her bargain。
Whether she ever did or did notfor women do not invariably order their
tongues according to logic； nor men either for the matter of thatDavie；
himself； must have had the satisfaction of reflecting that all reproaches
were undeserved。
I wish to be equally frank with the reader of this book。 I wish here
conscientiously to let forth its shortcomings。 I wish no one to read this
book under a misapprehension。
There will be no useful information in this book。
Anyone who should think that with the aid of this book he would be
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able to make a tour through Germany and the Black Forest would
probably lose himself before he got to the Nore。 That； at all events；
would be the best thing that could happen to him。 The farther away from
home he got； the greater only would be his difficulties。
I do not regard the conveyance of useful information as my forte。 This
belief was not inborn with me； it has been driven home upon me by
experience。
In my early journalistic days； I served upon a paper； the forerunner of
many very popular periodicals of the present day。 Our boast was that we
combined instruction with amusement； as to what should be regarded as
affording amusement and what instruction； the reader judged for himself。
We gave advice to people about to marrylong； earnest advice that would；
had they followed it； have made our circle of readers the envy of the
whole married world。 We told our subscribers how to make fortunes by
keeping rabbits； giving facts and figures。 The thing that must have
surprised them was that we ourselves did not give up journalism and start
rabbit…farming。 Often and often have I proved conclusively from
authoritative sources how a man starting a rabbit farm with twelve
selected rabbits and a little judgment must； at the end of three years； be in
receipt of an income of two thousand a year； rising rapidly； he simply
could not help himself。 He might not want the money。 He might not
know what to do with it when he had it。 But there it was for him。 I
have never met a rabbit farmer myself worth two thousand a year； though I
have known many start with the twelve necessary； assorted rabbits。
Something has always gone wrong somewhere； maybe the continued
atmosphere of a rabbit farm saps the judgment。
We told our readers how many bald…headed men there were in Iceland；
and for all we knew our figures may have been correct； how many red
herrings placed tail to mouth it would take to reach from London to Rome；
which must have been useful to anyone desirous of laying down a line of
red herrings from London to Rome； enabling him to order in the right
quantity at the beginning； how many words the average woman spoke in a
day； and other such like items of information calculated to make them
wise and great beyond the readers of other journals。
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We told them how to cure fits in cats。 Personally I do not believe；
and I did not believe then； that you can cure fits in cats。 If I had a cat
subject to fits I should advertise it for sale； or even give it away。 But our
duty was to supply information when asked for。 Some fool wrote；
clamouring to know； and I spent the best part of a morning seeking
knowledge on the subject。 I found what I wanted at length at the end of
an old cookery book。 What it was doing there I have never been able to
understand。 It had nothing to do with the proper subject of the book
whatever； there was no suggestion that you could make anything savoury
out of a cat； even when you had cured it of its fits。 The authoress had
just thrown in this paragraph out of pure generosity。 I can only say that I
wish she had left it out； it was the cause of a deal of angry correspondence
and of the loss of four subscribers to the paper； if not more。 The man
said the result of following our advice had been two pounds worth of
damage to his kitchen crockery； to say nothing of a broken window and
probable blood poisoning to himself； added to which the cat's fits were
worse than before。 And yet it was a simple enough recipe。 You held the
cat between your legs； gently； so as not to hurt it； and with a pair of
scissors made a sharp； clean cut in its tail。 You did not cut off any part of
the tail； you were to be careful not to do that； you only made an incision。
As we explained to the man； the garden or the coal cellar would have
been the proper place for the operation； no one but an idiot would have
attempted to perform it in a kitchen； and without help。
We gave them hints on etiquette。 We told them how to address peers
and bishops； also how to eat soup。 We instructed shy young men how to
acquire easy grace in drawing…rooms。 We taught dancing to both sexes
by the aid of diagrams。 We solved their religious doubts for them； and
supplied them with a code of morals that would have done credit to a
stained…glass window。
The paper was not a financial success； it was some years before its
time； and the consequence was that our staff was limited。 My own
apartment； I remember； included 〃Advice to Mothers〃I wrote that with
the assistance of my landlady； who； having divorced one husband and
buried four children； was； I considered； a reliable authority on all domestic
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