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feed horses； mules； or donkeys； whether your own or those belonging to
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other people。 If a passion seizes you to feed somebody else's horse； you
must make an appointment with the animal； and the meal must take place
in some properly authorised place。 You must not break glass or china in
the street； nor； in fact； in any public resort whatever； and if you do； you
must pick up all the pieces。 What you are to do with the pieces when you
have gathered them together I cannot say。 The only thing I know for
certain is that you are not permitted to throw them anywhere； to leave
them anywhere； or apparently to part with them in any way whatever。
Presumably； you are expected to carry them about with you until you die；
and then be buried with them； or； maybe； you are allowed to swallow
them。
In German streets you must not shoot with a crossbow。 The German
law…maker does not content himself with the misdeeds of the average
manthe crime one feels one wants to do； but must not： he worries
himself imagining all the things a wandering maniac might do。 In
Germany there is no law against a man standing on his head in the middle
of the road； the idea has not occurred to them。 One of these days a
German statesman； visiting a circus and seeing acrobats； will reflect upon
this omission。 Then he will straightway set to work and frame a clause
forbidding people from standing on their heads in the middle of the road；
and fixing a fine。 This is the charm of German law： misdemeanour in
Germany has its fixed price。 You are not kept awake all night； as in
England； wondering whether you will get off with a caution； be fined forty
shillings； or； catching the magistrate in an unhappy moment for yourself；
get seven days。 You know exactly what your fun is going to cost you。
You can spread out your money on the table； open your Police Guide； and
plan out your holiday to a fifty pfennig piece。 For a really cheap evening；
I would recommend walking on the wrong side of the pavement after
being cautioned not to do so。 I calculate that by choosing your district
and keeping to the quiet side streets you could walk for a whole evening
on the wrong side of the pavement at a cost of little over three marks。
In German towns you must not ramble about after dark 〃in droves。〃 I
am not quite sure how many constitute a 〃drove；〃 and no official to whom
I have spoken on this subject has felt himself competent to fix the exact
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number。 I once put it to a German friend who was starting for the theatre
with his wife； his mother…in…law； five children of his own； his sister and
her fiance； and two nieces； if he did not think he was running a risk under
this by…law。 He did not take my suggestion as a joke。 He cast an eye
over the group。
〃Oh； I don't think so；〃 he said； 〃you see； we are all one family。〃
〃The paragraph says nothing about its being a family drove or not；〃 I
replied； 〃it simply says 'drove。' I do not mean it in any uncomplimentary
sense； but； speaking etymologically； I am inclined personally to regard
your collection as a 'drove。' Whether the police will take the same view
or not remains to be seen。 I am merely warning you。〃
My friend himself was inclined to pooh…pooh my fears； but his wife
thinking it better not to run any risk of having the party broken up by the
police at the very beginning of the evening； they divided； arranging to
come together again in the theatre lobby。
Another passion you must restrain in Germany is that prompting you
to throw things out of window。 Cats are no excuse。 During the first
week of my residence in Germany I was awakened incessantly by cats。
One night I got mad。 I collected a small arsenaltwo or three pieces of
coal； a few hard pears； a couple of candle ends； an odd egg I found on the
kitchen table； an empty soda…water bottle； and a few articles of that sort；
and； opening the window； bombarded the spot from where the noise
appeared to come。 I do not suppose I hit anything； I never knew a man
who did hit a cat； even when he could see it； except； maybe； by accident
when aiming at something else。 I have known crack shots； winners of
Queen's prizesthose sort of men；shoot with shot…guns at cats fifty yards
away； and never hit a hair。 I have often thought that； instead of bull's…
eyes； running deer； and that rubbish； the really superior marksman would
be he who could boast that he had shot the cat。
But； anyhow； they moved off； maybe the egg annoyed them。 I had
noticed when I picked it up that it did not look a good egg； and I went
back to bed again； thinking the incident closed。 Ten minutes afterwards
there came a violent ringing of the electric bell。 I tried to ignore it； but it
was too persistent； and； putting on my dressing gown； I went down to the
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gate。 A policeman was standing there。 He had all the things I had been
throwing out of the window in a little heap in front of him； all except the
egg。 He had evidently been collecting them。 He said：
〃Are these things yours？〃
I said： 〃They were mine； but personally I have done with them。
Anybody can have themyou can have them。〃
He ignored my offer。 He said：
〃You threw these things out of window。〃
〃You are right；〃 I admitted； 〃I did。〃
〃Why did you throw them out of window？〃 he asked。 A German
policeman has his code of questions arranged for him； he never varies
them； and he never omits one。
〃I threw them out of the window at some cats；〃 I answered。
〃What cats？〃 he asked。
It was the sort of question a German policeman would ask。 I replied
with as much sarcasm as I could put into my accent that I was ashamed to
say I could not tell him what cats。 I explained that； personally； they were
strangers to me； but I offered； if the police would call all the cats in the
district together； to come round and see if I could recognise them by their
yaul。
The German policeman does not understand a joke； which is perhaps
on the whole just as well； for I believe there is a heavy fine for joking with
any German uniform； they call it 〃treating an official with contumely。〃
He merely replied that it was not the duty of the police to help me
recognise the cats； their duty was merely to fine me for throwing things
out of window。
I asked what a man was supposed to do in Germany when woke up
night after night by cats； and he explained that I could lodge an
information against the owner of the cat； when the police would proceed
to caution him； and； if necessary； order the cat to be destroyed。 Who was
going to destroy the cat； and what the cat would be doing during the
process； he did not explain。
I asked him how he proposed I should discover the owner of the cat。
He thought for a while； and then suggested that I might follow it home。 I
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did not feel inclined to argue with him any more after that； I should only
have said things that would have made the matter worse。 As it was； that
night's sport cost me twelve marks； and not a single one of the four
German officials who interviewed me on the subject could see anything
ridiculous in the proceedings from beginning to end。
But in Germany most human faults and follies sink into comparative
insignificance beside the enormity of walking on the grass。 Nowhere； and
under no circumstances； may you at any time in Germany walk on the
grass。 Grass in Germa