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〃Ah； you are English！〃 exclaimed the landlord； brightening up。
〃And Monsieur looks tired；〃 added the bright little landlady。
〃Monsieur will have supper。〃
They both spoke English excellently； nearly as well as they spoke
French and German； and they bustled about and made him comfortable。 At
supper he sat next to me； and I talked to him。
〃Tell me；〃 I saidI was curious on the subject〃what language was it
you spoke when you first came in？〃
〃German；〃 he explained。
〃Oh；〃 I replied； 〃I beg your pardon。〃
〃You did not understand it？〃 he continued。
〃It must have been my fault；〃 I answered； 〃my knowledge is extremely
limited。 One picks up a little here and there as one goes about； but of
course that is a different thing。〃
〃But THEY did not understand it；〃 he replied； 〃the landlord and his
wife； and it is their own language。〃
〃I do not think so；〃 I said。 〃The children hereabout speak German； it
is true； and our landlord and landlady know German to a certain point。
But throughout Alsace and Lorraine the old people still talk French。〃
〃And I spoke to them in French also；〃 he added； 〃and they understood
that no better。〃
〃It is certainly very curious；〃 I agreed。
〃It is more than curious；〃 he replied； 〃in my case it is
incomprehensible。 I possess a diploma for modern languages。 I won
my scholarship purely on the strength of my French and German。 The
correctness of my construction； the purity of my pronunciation； was
considered at my college to be quite remarkable。 Yet； when I come
abroad hardly anybody understands a word I say。 Can you explain it？〃
〃I think I can；〃 I replied。 〃Your pronunciation is too faultless。 You
remember what the Scotsman said when for the first time in his life he
tasted real whisky： 'It may be puir； but I canna drink it'； so it is with your
German。 It strikes one less as a language than as an exhibition。 If I
might offer advice； I should say： Mispronounce as much as possible； and
throw in as many mistakes as you can think of。〃
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It is the same everywhere。 Each country keeps a special
pronunciation exclusively for the use of foreignersa pronunciation they
never dream of using themselves； that they cannot understand when it is
used。 I once heard an English lady explaining to a Frenchman how to
pronounce the word Have。
〃You will pronounce it；〃 said the lady reproachfully； 〃as if it were spelt
H…a…v。 It isn't。 There is an 'e' at the end。〃
〃But I thought；〃 said the pupil； 〃that you did not sound the 'e' at the
end of h…a…v…e。〃
〃No more you do；〃 explained his teacher。 〃It is what we call a mute
'e'； but it exercises a modifying influence on the preceding vowel。〃
Before that； he used to say 〃have〃 quite intelligently。 Afterwards； when
he came to the word he would stop dead； collect his thoughts； and give
expression to a sound that only the context could explain。
Putting aside the sufferings of the early martyrs； few men； I suppose；
have gone through more than I myself went through in trying to I attain
the correct pronunciation of the German word for church〃Kirche。〃
Long before I had done with it I had determined never to go to church in
Germany； rather than be bothered with it。
〃No； no；〃 my teacher would explainhe was a painstaking gentleman；
〃you say it as if it were spelt K…i…r…c…h…k…e。 There is no k。 It is。〃
And he would illustrate to me again； for the twentieth time that morning；
how it should be pronounced； the sad thing being that I could never for the
life of me detect any difference between the way he said it and the way I
said it。 So he would try a new method。
〃You say it from your throat；〃 he would explain。 He was quite right；
I did。 〃I want you to say it from down here；〃 and with a fat forefinger he
would indicate the region from where I was to start。 After painful efforts；
resulting in sounds suggestive of anything rather than a place of worship； I
would excuse myself。
〃I really fear it is impossible；〃 I would say。 〃You see； for years I have
always talked with my mouth； as it were； I never knew a man could talk
with his stomach。 I doubt if it is not too late now for me to learn。〃
By spending hours in dark corners； and practising in silent streets； to
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the terror of chance passers…by； I came at last to pronounce this word
correctly。 My teacher was delighted with me； and until I came to
Germany I was pleased with myself。 In Germany I found that nobody
understood what I meant by it。 I never got near a church with it。 I had
to drop the correct pronunciation； and painstakingly go back to my first
wrong pronunciation。 Then they would brighten up； and tell me it was
round the corner； or down the next street； as the case might be。
I also think pronunciation of a foreign tongue could be better taught
than by demanding from the pupil those internal acrobatic feats that are
generally impossible and always useless。 This is the sort of instruction
one receives：
〃Press your tonsils against the underside of your larynx。 Then with
the convex part of the septum curved upwards so as almostbut not quite
to touch the uvula； try with the tip of your tongue to reach your thyroid。
Take a deep breath； and compress your glottis。 Now； without opening your
lips； say 'Garoo。'〃
And when you have done it they are not satisfied。
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CHAPTER XIII
An examination into the character and behaviour of the German
studentThe German MensurUses and abuses of useViews of an
impressionistThe humour of the thingRecipe for making savages The
Jungfrau： her peculiar taste in lacesThe KneipeHow to rub a
SalamanderAdvice to the strangerA story that might have ended sadly
Of two men and two wivesTogether with a bachelor。
On our way home we included a German University town； being
wishful to obtain an insight into the ways of student life； a curiosity that
the courtesy of German friends enabled us to gratify。
The English boy plays till he is fifteen； and works thence till twenty。
In Germany it is the child that works； the young man that plays。 The
German boy goes to school at seven o'clock in the summer； at eight in the
winter； and at school he studies。 The result is that at sixteen he has a
thorough knowledge of the classics and mathematics； knows as much
history as any man compelled to belong to a political party is wise in
knowing； together with a thorough grounding in modern languages。
Therefore his eight College Semesters； extending over four years； are；
except for the young man aiming at a professorship； unnecessarily ample。
He is not a sportsman； which is a pity； for he should make good one。 He
plays football a little； bicycles still less； plays French billiards in stuffy
cafes more。 But generally speaking he； or the majority of him； lays out
his time bummeling； beer drinking； and fighting。 If he be the son of a
wealthy father he joins a Korps to belong to a crack Korps costs about
four hundred pounds a year。 If he be a middle…class young man； he enrols
himself in a Burschenschaft； or a Landsmannschaft； which is a little
cheaper。 These companies are again broken up into smaller circles； in
which attempt is made to keep to nationality。 There are the Swabians；
from Swabia； the Frankonians； descend