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It took an hour to pack both of the cars up； with me not doing much
more than propping open the door to the street and guarding the
vehicles while they went back upstairs。 The bed movers—who were
charging more than the actual cost of the damn thing—were running
late； so my dad and Alex each started downtown。 Lily had found our
new apartment through an ad in theVillage Voice； and I hadn’t even
seen it yet。 She’d called me at work from her Cell Phone in the
middle of the day； screaming； “I found it！ I found it！ It’s perfect！
There’s a bathroom with running water； a wooden floor that only has
minimal warping； and I’ve been here four full minutes and haven’t
seen a single mouse or even a roach。 Can you e see it
immediately？”
“Are you high right now？” I whispered。 “She’shere； which means I’m
not going anywhere。”
“You have to enow 。 You know what it’s like。 I have my folder and
everything。”
“Lily； be reasonable。 I couldn’t leave the office right now for an
emergency heart transplant if I needed one； without getting fired。
How can I e look at an apartment？”
“Well； it’s not going to be here in thirty more seconds。 There are
at least twenty…five other people at this open house； and they’re
all filling out applications。 I need to do thisnow 。”
In the obscene world of Manhattan real estate； semilivable
apartments were rarer—and more desirable—than seminormal straight
guys。 When you added semiaffordable into the mix； they became harder
to rent than your private island somewhere off the southern coast of
Africa。 Or probably harder。 No matter that most boasted fewer than
three hundred square feet of dirt and rotted wood； pockmarked walls；
and prehistoric appliances。 No roaches？ No mice？ This one was a
keeper！
“Lily； I trust you； just do it。 Can you e…mail me a description？” I
was trying to get off the phone as quickly as possible since Miranda
was due back from the art department any second。 If she saw me on a
personal call； I was finished。
“Well； I have copies of your paychecks—which； by the way； really
suck 。 。 。 and I’ve got both our bank statements and printouts of
our credit histories and your employment letter。 The only problem is
our guarantor。 It has to be a tristate resident who makes more than
forty times our monthly rent； and my grandmother sure as hell
doesn’t make a hundred grand。 Can your parents sign for us？”
“Jesus； Lil； I don’t know。 I haven’t asked them； and I can’t very
well call them right now。 You call。”
“Fine。 They do make enough； don’t they？”
I wasn’t really sure； but who else could we ask？ “Just call them；” I
told her。 “Explain about Miranda。 Tell them I’m sorry for not
calling myself。”
“Will do；” she said。 “But let me make sure we can get the place。
I’ll call you back；” she said and clicked off the phone。 The phone
rang again twenty seconds later； and I saw her Cell Phone number on
the office phone caller ID。 Emily raised her eyes in that special
way she did when she heard me once again talking to a friend。 I
grabbed the phone but spoke to Emily。
“It’s important；” I hissed in her direction。 “My best friend is
trying to rent me an apartment over the phone because I can’t leave
here for a goddamn—”
Three voices attacked me at once。 Emily’s was measured and calm and
carried with it a warning tone。 “Andrea； please；” she’d started； at
the exact same time that Lily was shrieking； “They’ll do it； Andy；
they’ll do it！ Are you listening to me？” But even though both of
them were clearly addressing me； I couldn’t really hear either one
of them。 The only voice that came through loud and clear was
Miranda’s。
“Do we have a problem here； Ahn…dre…ah？” Shocker—she got my name
right this time。 She was hovering over me； appearing ready to
strike。
I immediately hung up on Lily； hoping she’d understand； and braced
myself for the onslaught。 “No； Miranda； no problem at all。”
“Good。 Now； I’d like a sundae and I’d like to actually eat it before
the entire thing melts。 Vanilla ice cream—not yogurt； mind you； not
ice milk； and nothing sugar…free or low…fat—with chocolate syrup and
real whipped cream。 Not canned； you understand？ Genuine whipped
cream。 That’s all。” She walked purposefully back toward the art
department； and I was left with the distinct impression that she’d
e in just to check on me。 Emily smirked。 The phone rang。 Lily
again。 Dammit—couldn’t she just e…mail me？ I picked it up and
pressed it to my ear but said nothing。
“OK； I know you can’t talk； so I will。 Your parents will be our
guarantors； which is great。 The apartment is a big one…bedroom； and
once we put the wall up in the living room； there will still be room
for a two…person couchand a chair。 The bathroom doesn’t have a bath；
but the shower looks OK。 No dishwasher； natch； and no AC； but we can
get window units。 Laundry in the basement； part…time doorman； one
block from the six train。 And get this。 A balcony！”
I must’ve breathed audibly； because she got even more excited at my
excitement。 “I know！ Crazy； right？ It looks like it might fall right
off the side of the building； but it’s there！ And we could both fit
on it and have a place to smoke； and oh； it’s just perfect！”
“How much？” I croaked； determined that these would be the absolute
last words I’d utter。
“All ours for the grand total of twenty…two eighty a month。 Do you
believe that we’ll get a balcony for eleven hundred forty dollars
apiece？ This place is the find of the century。 So； can I do it？”
I was silent。 I wanted to talk； but Miranda was inching her way back
to her office as she upbraided the public events coordinator in
front of everyone。 She was in a wicked mood； and I’d already had
enough for one day。 The girl she was currently abusing had her head
hung in shame； cheeks bright red； and I prayed for her own sake that
she wouldn’t cry。
“Andy！ This is fucking ridiculous。 Just say yes or no！ It’s bad
enough that I have to cut class today and you can’t so much as leave
work to e look at this place； but you can’t even bother to say
yes or no？ What am I—” Lily had reached her breaking point and I
totally understood； but there was nothing I could do except hang up
on her。 She was screaming so loud into the phone that it was
reverberating in the quiet office； and Miranda was standing less
than five feet away。 I was so frustrated； I wanted to grab the PR
coordinator and hit the ladies’ room and cry with her。 Or maybe if
we worked together we could throw Miranda into a toilet stall and
tighten that Hermès scarf that hung loosely around her skinny neck。
Would I hold her down or pull？ Or perhaps it’d be more effective to
just shove the damn thing down her throat and watch her gasp for air
and—
“Ahn…dre…ah！” Her voice was clipped； steely。 “What did I ask you for
a mere five minutes ago？” Shit！ The sundae。 I’d forgotten the
sundae。 “Is there a particular reason why you’re still sitting there
instead of doing your job？ Is this your idea of a joke？ Did I do or
say something to indicate that I wasn’t entirely serious？ Did I？ Did
I？” Her blue eyes were bulging out of her face； and although she
hadn’t fully raised her voice yet； of course； she was ing awfully
close。 I opened my mouth to speak but heard Emily talking instead。
“Miranda； I’m so sorry。 It’s my fault。 I asked Andrea to answer the
phone because I thought it might be Caroline or Cassidy and I was on
the other line ordering that shirt from Prada you wanted。 Andrea was
just on her way out。 I’m sorry； and it won’t happen again。”
Miracle of miracles！ The Perfect One had spoken； and in my defense；
no less。
Miranda looked momentarily mollified。 “Well； all right then。 Get my
sundae now； Andrea。” And with that； she walked in her office and
picked up the phone； where she promptly started cooing to B…DAD。
I looked at Emily； but she was pretending to work。 I shot her a
one…word e…mail。Why？ I wrote。
Because I wasn’t entirely sure she wasn’t going to fire you； and I
don’t really feel like training someone new；she wrote back
instantly。 I left to go in search of this perfect sundae and called
Lily from my Cell Phone as soon as the elevator hit the lobby。
“I’m sorry； I really am。 It’s just that—”
“Look； I don’t really have time for this；” Lily said flatly。 “I
think you’re overreacting just a little bit； don’t you？ I mean； you
can’t so much as say yes or no on the phone？”
“It’s hard to explain；