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time you were at table has added little to any one's pleasure。 On the
contrary！ Half the time one eats from pure absence of mind； a number of
most injurious mixtures and so prepares an awful to…morrow and the
foundation of many complicated diseases。
I see Smith and Jones daily at the club； where we dine cheerfully
together on soup； a cut of the joint； a dessert； and drink a pint of claret。 But
if either Mrs。 Smith or Mrs。 Jones asks me to dinner； we have eight
courses and half as many wines； and Smith will say quite gravely to me；
〃Try this '75 'Perrier Jouet'；〃 as if he were in the habit of drinking it daily。
It makes me smile； for he would as soon think of ordering a bottle of that
wine at the club as he would think of ordering a flask of nectar。
But to return to our 〃mutton。〃 As we had none of us eaten too much
（and so become digesting machines）； we were cheerful and sprightly。 A
little music followed and an author repeated some of his poetry。 I noticed
that during the hour before we broke up our hostess contrived to have a
little talk with each of her guests； which she made quite personal；
appearing for the moment as though the rest of the world did not exist for
her； than which there is no more subtle flattery； and which is the act of a
well…bred and appreciative woman。 Guests cannot be treated EN MASSE
any more than food； to ask a man to your house is not enough。 He should
be made to feel； if you wish him to go away with a pleasant remembrance
of the entertainment； that his presence has in some way added to it and
been a personal pleasure to his host。
A good soul that all New York knew a few years ago； whose
entertainments were as though the street had been turned into a SALON
for the moment； used to go about among her guests saying； 〃There have
been one hundred and seventy…five people here this Thursday； ten more
than last week；〃 with such a satisfied smile； that you felt that she had little
left to wish for； and found yourself wondering just which number you
represented in her mind。 When you entered she must have murmured a
numeral to herself as she shook your hand。
There is more than one house in New York where I have grave doubts
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if the host and hostess are quite sure of my name when I dine there； after
an abstracted welcome； they rarely put themselves out to entertain their
guests。 Black coats and evening dresses alternate in pleasing perspective
down the long line of their table。 Their gold plate is out； and the CHEF has
been allowed to work his own sweet will； so they give themselves no
further trouble。
Why does not some one suggest to these amphitrions to send fifteen
dollars in prettily monogrammed envelopes to each of their friends；
requesting them to expend it on a dinner。 The compliment would be quite
as personal； and then the guests might make up little parties to suit
themselves； which would be much more satisfactory than going 〃in〃 with
some one chosen at hazard from their host's visiting list； and less fatiguing
to that gentleman and his family。
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CHAPTER 33 … The Introducer
WE all suffer more or less from the perennial 〃freshness〃 of certain
acquaintances … tiresome people whom a misguided Providence has
endowed with over…flowing vitality and an irrepressible love of their
fellowmen； and who； not content with looking on life as a continual
〃spree；〃 insist on making others happy in spite of themselves。 Their name
is legion and their presence ubiquitous； but they rarely annoy as much as
when disguised under the mask of the 〃Introducer。〃 In his clutches one is
helpless。 It is impossible to escape from such philanthropic tyranny。 He； in
his freshness； imagines that to present human beings to each other is his
mission in this world and moves through life making these platonic unions；
oblivious； as are other match…makers； of the misery he creates。
If you are out for a quiet stroll； one of these genial gentlemen is sure to
come bounding up； and without notice or warning present you to his
〃friend；〃 … the greater part of the time a man he has met only an hour
before； but whom he endows out of the warehouse of his generous
imagination with several talents and all the virtues。 In order to make the
situation just one shade more uncomfortable； this kindly bore proceeds to
sing a hymn of praise concerning both of you to your faces； adding； in
order that you may both feel quite friendly and pleasant：
〃I know you two will fancy each other； you are so alike；〃 … a phrase
neatly calculated to nip any conversation in the bud。 You detest the
unoffending stranger on the spot and would like to kill the bore。 Not to
appear an absolute brute you struggle through some commonplace phrases；
discovering the while that your new acquaintance is no more anxious to
know you； than you are to meet him； that he has not the slightest idea who
you are； neither does he desire to find out。 He classes you with the bore；
and his one idea； like your own； is to escape。 So that the only result of the
Introducer's good…natured interference has been to make two fellow…
creatures miserable。
A friend was telling me the other day of the martyrdom he had
suffered from this class。 He spoke with much feeling； as he is the soul of
amiability； but somewhat short…sighted and afflicted with a hopelessly bad
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memory for faces。 For the last few years； he has been in the habit of
spending one or two of the winter months in Washington； where his
friends put him up at one club or another。 Each winter on his first
appearance at one of these clubs； some kindly disposed old fogy is sure to
present him to a circle of the members； and he finds himself
indiscriminately shaking hands with Judges and Colonels。 As little or no
conversation follows these introductions to fix the individuality of the
members in his mind； he unconsciously cuts two…thirds of his newly
acquired circle the next afternoon； and the following winter； after a ten…
months' absence； he innocently ignores the other third。 So hopelessly has
he offended in this way； that last season； on being presented to a club
member； the latter peevishly blurted out：
〃This is the fourth time I have been introduced to Mr。 Blank； but he
never remembers me；〃 and glared coldly at him； laying it all down to my
friend's snobbishness and to the airs of a New Yorker when away from
home。 If instead of being sacrificed to the introducer's mistaken zeal my
poor friend had been left quietly to himself； he would in good time have
met the people congenial to him and avoided giving offence to a number
of kindly gentlemen。
This introducing mania takes an even more aggressive form in the
hostess； who imagines that she is lacking in hospitality if any two people
in her drawing…room are not made known to each other。 No matter how
interested you may be in a chat with a friend； you will see her bearing
down upon you； bringing in tow the one human being you have carefully
avoided for years。 Escape seems impossible； but as a forlorn hope you
fling yourself into conversation with your nearest neighbor； trying by your
absorbed manner to ward off the calamity。 In vain！ With a tap on your
elbow your smiling hostess introduces you and； having spoiled your
afternoon； flits off in search of other prey。
The question of introductions is one on which it is impossible to lay
down any fixed rules。 There must constantly occur situations where one's
acts must depend upon a kindly