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trouble to learn the 〃lingo〃 spoken in the country； went to the extremity of
copying the ways of the native women by painting their faces； and in one
or two cases imitated the laxity of their morals。
In spite of these concessions； our women were not received with
enthusiasm。 On the contrary； the very name of an American became a
byword and an abomination in every continental city。 This prejudice
against us abroad is hardly to be wondered at on reflecting what we have
done to acquire it。 The agents chosen by our government to treat
diplomatically with the conquered nations； owe their selection to political
motives rather than to their tact or fitness。 In the large majority of cases
men are sent over who know little either of the habits or languages
prevailing in Europe。
The worst elements always follow in the wake of discovery。 Our
settlements abroad gradually became the abode of the compromised； the
divorced； the socially and financially bankrupt。
Within the last decade we have found a way to revenge the slights put
upon us； especially those offered to Americans in the capital of Gaul。
Having for the moment no playwrights of our own； the men who concoct
dramas； comedies； and burlesques for our stage find； instead of wearying
themselves in trying to produce original matter； that it is much simpler to
adapt from French writers。 This has been carried to such a length that
entire French plays are now produced in New York signed by American
names。
The great French playwrights can protect themselves by taking out
American copyright； but if one of them omits this formality； the
〃conquerors〃 immediately seize upon his work and translate it； omitting
intentionally all mention of the real author on their programmes。 This
season a play was produced of which the first act was taken from Guy de
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Maupassant； the second and third 〃adapted〃 from Sardou； with episodes
introduced from other authors to brighten the mixture。 The piece thus
patched together is signed by a well…known Anglo…Saxon name； and
accepted by our moral public； although the original of the first act was
stopped by the Parisian police as too immoral for that gay capital。
Of what use would it be to 〃discover〃 a new continent unless the
explorers were to reap some such benefits？ Let us take every advantage
that our proud position gives us； plundering the foreign authors； making
penal settlements of their capitals； and ignoring their foolish customs and
prejudices when we travel among them！ In this way shall we effectually
impress on the inferior races across the Atlantic the greatness of the
American nation。
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CHAPTER 39 … A Race of Slaves
IT is all very well for us to have invaded Europe； and awakened that
somnolent continent to the lights and delights of American ways； to have
beautified the cities of the old world with graceful trolleys and illuminated
the catacombs at Rome with electricity。 Every true American must thrill
with satisfaction at these achievements； and the knowledge that he belongs
to a dominating race； before which the waning civilization of Europe must
fade away and disappear。
To have discovered Europe and to rule as conquerors abroad is well；
but it is not enough； if we are led in chains at home。 It is recorded of a
certain ambitious captain whose 〃Commentaries〃 made our school…days a
burden； that 〃he preferred to be the first in a village rather than second at
Rome。〃 Oddly enough； WE are contented to be slaves in our villages while
we are conquerors in Rome。 Can it be that the struggles of our ancestors
for freedom were fought in vain？ Did they throw off the yoke of kings；
cross the Atlantic； found a new form of government on a new continent；
break with traditions； and sign a declaration of independence； only that we
should succumb； a century later； yielding the fruits of their hard…fought
battles with craven supineness into the hands of corporations and
municipalities； humbly bowing necks that refuse to bend before anointed
sovereigns； to the will of steamboat subordinates； the insolence of be…
diamonded hotel…clerks； and the captious conductor？
Last week my train from Washington arrived in Jersey City on time。
We scurried （like good Americans） to the ferry…boat； hot and tired and
anxious to get to our destination； a hope deferred； however； for our boat
was kept waiting forty long minutes； because； forsooth； another train from
somewhere in the South was behind time。 Expostulations were in vain。
Being only the paying public； we had no rights that those autocrats； the
officials； were bound to respect。 The argument that if they knew the
southern train to be so much behind； the ferry…boat would have plenty of
time to take us across and return； was of no avail； so； like a cargo of 〃moo…
cows〃 （as the children say）； we submitted meekly。 In order to make the
time pass more pleasantly for the two hundred people gathered on the boat；
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a dusky potentate judged the moment appropriate to scrub the cabin floors。
So； aided by a couple of subordinates； he proceeded to deluge the entire
place in floods of water； obliging us to sit with our feet tucked up under us；
splashing the ladies' skirts and our wraps and belongings。
Such treatment of the public would have raised a riot anywhere but in
this land of freedom。 Do you suppose any one murmured？ Not at all。 The
well…trained public had the air of being in church。 My neighbors appeared
astonished at my impatience； and informed me that they were often
detained in that way； as the company was short of boats； but they hoped to
have a new one in a year or two。 This detail did not prevent that
corporation advertising our train to arrive in New York at three…thirteen；
instead of which we landed at four o'clock。 If a similar breach of contract
had happened in England； a dozen letters would have appeared in the
〃Times；〃 and the grievance been well aired。
Another infliction to which all who travel in America are subjected is
the brushing atrocity。 Twenty minutes before a train arrives at its
destination； the despot who has taken no notice of any one up to this
moment； except to snub them； becomes suspiciously attentive and insists
on brushing everybody。 The dirt one traveller has been accumulating is
sent in clouds into the faces of his neighbors。 When he is polished off and
has paid his 〃quarter〃 of tribute； the next man gets up； and the dirt is then
brushed back on to number one； with number two's collection added。
Labiche begins one of his plays with two servants at work in a salon。
〃Dusting；〃 says one of them； 〃is the art of sending the dirt from the chair
on the right over to the sofa on the left。〃 I always think of that remark
when I see the process performed in a parlor car； for when it is over we are
all exactly where we began。 If a man should shampoo his hair； or have his
boots cleaned in a salon； he would be ejected as a boor； yet the idea
apparently never enters the heads of those who soil and choke their fellow…
passengers that the brushing might be done in the vestibule。
On the subject of fresh air and heat we are also in the hands of officials；
dozens of passengers being made to suffer for the caprices of one of their
number； or the taste of some captious invalid。 In other lands the rights of
minorities are often ignored。 With us it is the contrary。 One sniffling
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school…girl who prefers a temperature of 80 degrees can force a car full o