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him with； to herself） Is that all； I wonder？
CINESIAS （misunderstanding）
Surely。 there's nothing else。 Come； my treasure。
MYRRHINE
I am just unfastening my girdle。 But remember what you promised me
about making peace； mind you keep your word。
CINESIAS
Yes； yes； upon my life I will。
MYRRHINE
Why； you have no blanket！
CINESIAS
My god； what difference does that make？ What I want is to make
love！
MYRRHINE （going out again）
Never fear…directly； directly！ I'll be back in no time。
CINESIAS
The woman will kill me with her blankets！
MYRRHINE （coming back with a blanket）
Now； get yourself up。
CINESIAS （pointing）
I've got this up！
MYRRHINE
Wouldn't you like me to scent you？
CINESIAS
No； by Apollo； no； please don't！
MYRRHINE
Yes； by Aphrodite； but I will； whether you like it or not。
（She goes out again。）
CINESIAS
God； I wish she'd hurry up and get through with all this！
MYRRHINE （coming back with a flask of perfume）
Hold out your hand； now rub it in。
CINESIAS
Oh！ in Apollo's name； I don't much like the smell of it； but
perhaps it will improve when it's well rubbed in。 It does not
somehow smack of the marriage bed！
MYRRHINE
Oh dear！ what a scatterbrain I am； if I haven't gone and brought
Rhodian perfumes！
CINESIAS
Never mind； dearest； let it go now。
MYRRHINE
You don't really mean that。
（She goes。）
CINESIAS
Damn the man who invented perfumes！
MYRRHINE （coming back with another flask）
Here； take this bottle。
CINESIAS
I have a better one allready for you； darling。 Come； you provoking
creature； to bed with you； and don't bring another thing。
MYRRHINE
Coming； coming； I'm just slipping off my shoes。 Dear boy； will you
vote for peace？
CINESIAS
I'll think about it。 （MYRRHINE runs away。） I'm a dead man； she
is killing me！ She has gone； and left me in torment！ （in tragic
style） I must have someone to lay； I must！ Ah me！ the loveliest of
women has choused and cheated me。 Poor little lad； how am I to give
you what you want so badly？ Where is Cynalopex？ quick； man； get him
a nurse； do！
LEADER OF CHORUS OF OLD MEN
Poor； miserable wretch； baulked in your amorousness！ what tortures
are yours！ Ah！ you fill me with pity。 Could any man's back and loins
stand such a strain。 He stands stiff and rigid； and there's never a
wench to help him！
CINESIAS
Ye gods in heaven； what pains I suffer！
LEADER OF CHORUS OF OLD MEN
Well； there it is； it's her doing； that abandoned hussy！
CINESIAS
No； no！ rather say that sweetest； dearest darling。
（He departs。）
LEADER OF CHORUS OF OLD MEN
That dearest darling？ no； no； that hussy； say I！ Zeus； thou god of
the skies； canst not let loose a hurricane； to sweep them all up
into the air； and whirl them round； then drop them down crash！ and
impale them on the point of this man's tool！
（A Spartan HERALD enters； he shows signs of being in the same
condition as CINESIAS。）
HERALD
Say； where shall I find the Senate and the Prytanes？ I am bearer
of despatches。
（An Athenian MAGISTRATE enters。）
MAGISTRATE
Are you a man or a Priapus？
HERALD （with an effort at officiousness）
Don't be stupid！ I am a herald； of course； I swear I am； and I
come from Sparta about making peace。
MAGISTRATE （pointing）
But look； you are hiding a lance under your clothes； surely。
HERALD （embarrassed）
No； nothing of the sort。
MAGISTRATE
Then why do you turn away like that； and hold your cloak out
from your body？ Have you got swellings in the groin from your journey？
HERALD
By the twin brethren！ the man's an old maniac。
MAGISTRATE
But you've got an erection！ You lewd fellow！
HERALD
I tell you no！ but enough of this foolery。
MAGISTRATE （pointing）
Well； what is it you have there then？
HERALD
A Lacedaemonian 'skytale。'
MAGISTRATE
Oh； indeed； a 'skytale；' is it？ Well； well； speak out frankly； I
know all about these matters。 How are things going at Sparta now？
HERALD
Why； everything is turned upside down at Sparta； and all the
allies have erections。 We simply must have Pellene。
MAGISTRATE
What is the reason of it all？ Is it the god Pan's doing？
HERALD
No； it's all the work of Lampito and the women who are acting at
her instigation； they have kicked the men out from between their
thighs。
MAGISTRATE
But what are you doing about it？
HERALD
We are at our wits' end； we walk bent double； just as if we were
carrying lanterns in a wind。 The jades have sworn we shall not so much
as touch them till we have all agreed to conclude peace。
MAGISTRATE
Ah！ I see now； it's a general conspiracy embracing all Greece。
Go back to Sparta and bid them send envoys plenipotentiary to treat
for peace。 I will urge our Senators myself to name plenipotentiaries
from us； and to persuade them； why； I will show them my own tool。
HERALD
What could be better？ I fly at your command。
（They go out in opposite directions。）
LEADER OF CHORUS OF OLD MEN
No wild beast is there； no flame of fire； more fierce and
untamable than woman； the leopard is less savage and shameless。
LEADER OF CHORUS OF WOMEN
And yet you dare to make war upon me； wretch； when you might
have me for your most faithful friend and ally。
LEADER OF CHORUS OF OLD MEN
Never； never can my hatred cease towards women。
LEADER OF CHORUS OF WOMEN
Well； suit yourself。 Still I cannot bear to leave you all naked as
you are； folks would laugh at you。 Come； I am going to put this
tunic on you。
LEADER OF CHORUS OF OLD MEN
You are right； upon my word！ it was only in my confounded fit of
rage that I took it off。
LEADER OF CHORUS OF WOMEN
Now at any rate you look like a man； and they won't make fun of
you。 Ah！ if you had not offended me so badly； I would take out that
nasty insect you have in your eye for you。
LEADER OF CHORUS OF OLD MEN
Ah！ so that's what was annoying me so Look； here's a ring； just
remove the insect； and show it to me。 By Zeus！ it has been hurting
my eye for a long time now。
LEADER OF CHORUS OF WOMEN
Well； I agree； though your manners are not over and above
pleasant。 Oh I what a huge great gnat！ just look！ It's from
Tricorythus； for sure。
LEADER OF CHORUS OF OLD MEN
A thousand thanks！ the creature was digging a regular well in my
eye； now that it's gone； my tears can flow freely。
LEADER OF CHORUS OF WOMEN
I will wipe them for you…bad； naughty man though you are。 Now；
just one kiss。
LEADER OF CHORUS OF OLD MEN
A kiss？ certainly not
LEADER OF CHORUS OF WOMEN
Just one； whether you like it or not。
LEADER OF CHORUS OF OLD MEN
Oh！ those confounded women！ how they do cajole us！ How true the
saying： 〃 'Tis impossible to live with the baggages； impossible to
live without 'em！〃 Come； let us agree for the future not to regard
each other any more as enemies； and to clinch the bargain； let us sing
a choric song。
COMBINED CHORUS OF WOMEN AND OLD MEN （singing）
We desire； Athenians； to speak ill of no man； but on the
contrary to say much good of everyone； and to do the like。 We have had
enough of misfortunes and calamities。 If there is any man or woman who
wants a bit of money…two or three minas or so； well； our purse is
full。 If only peace is concluded； the borrower will not have to pay
back。 Also I'm inviting to supper a few Carystian friends； who are
excellently well qualified。 I have still a drop of good soup left； and
a young porker I'm going to kill； and the flesh will be sweet and
tender。 I shall expect you at my house to…day； but first away to the
baths with you； you and your children； then come all of you； ask no
one's leave； but walk straight up； as if you were at home； never fear；
the door will be。。。 shut in your faces！
LEADER OF CHORUS OF OLD MEN
Ah！ here come the envoys from Sparta with their long flowing
beards； why； you would think they wore pigstyes between their thighs。
（Enter the LACONIAN ENVOYS afflicted like their herald。） Hail to you；
first of all； Laconians； then tell us how you fare。