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Dreams
Dreams
by Jerome K。 Jerome
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Dreams
The most extraordinary dream I ever had was one in which I fancied
that； as I was going into a theater； the cloak…room attendant stopped me in
the lobby and insisted on my leaving my legs behind me。
I was not surprised； indeed； my acquaintanceship with theater harpies
would prevent my feeling any surprise at such a demand； even in my
waking moments； but I was； I must honestly confess； considerably
annoyed。 It was not the payment of the cloak…room fee that I so much
mindedI offered to give that to the man then and there。 It was the
parting with my legs that I objected to。
I said I had never heard of such a rule being attempted to be put in
force at any respectable theater before； and that I considered it a most
absurd and vexatious regulation。 I also said I should write to The Times
about it。
The man replied that he was very sorry； but that those were his
instructions。 People complained that they could not get to and from their
seats comfortably； because other people's legs were always in the way； and
it had； therefore； been decided that； in future； everybody should leave their
legs outside。
It seemed to me that the management； in making this order； had clearly
gone beyond their legal right； and； under ordinary circumstances； I should
have disputed it。 Being present； however； more in the character of a
guest than in that of a patron； I hardly like to make a disturbance； and so I
sat down and meekly prepared to comply with the demand。
I had never before known that the human leg did unscrew。 I had
always thought it was a fixture。 But the man showed me how to undo
them； and I found that they came off quite easily。
The discovery did not surprise me any more than the original request
that I should take them off had done。 Nothing does surprise one in a
dream。
I dreamed once that I was going to be hanged； but I was not at all
surprised about it。 Nobody was。 My relations came to see me off； I
thought； and to wish me 〃Good…by！〃 They all came； and were all very
pleasant； but they were not in the least astonishednot one of them。
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Dreams
Everybody appeared to regard the coming tragedy as one of the most…
naturally…to…be…expected things in the world。
They bore the calamity； besides； with an amount of stoicism that
would have done credit to a Spartan father。 There was no fuss； no scene。
On the contrary； an atmosphere of mild cheerfulness prevailed。
Yet they were very kind。 Somebodyan uncle； I thinkleft me a
packet of sandwiches and a little something in a flask； in case； as he said； I
should feel peckish on the scaffold。
It is 〃those twin…jailers of the daring〃 thought； Knowledge and
Experience； that teach us surprise。 We are surprised and incredulous
when； in novels and plays； we come across good men and women； because
Knowledge and Experience have taught us how rare and problematical is
the existence of such people。 In waking life； my friends and relations
would； of course； have been surprised at hearing that I had committed a
murder； and was； in consequence； about to be hanged； because Knowledge
and Experience would have taught them that； in a country where the law is
powerful and the police alert； the Christian citizen is usually pretty
successful in withstanding the voice of temptation； prompting him to
commit crime of an illegal character。
But into Dreamland； Knowledge and Experience do not enter。 They
stay without； together with the dull； dead clay of which they form a part；
while the freed brain； released from their narrowing tutelage； steals softly
past the ebon gate； to wanton at its own sweet will among the mazy paths
that wind through the garden of Persephone。
Nothing that it meets with in that eternal land astonishes it because；
unfettered by the dense conviction of our waking mind； that nought
outside the ken of our own vision can in this universe be； all things to it
are possible and even probable。 In dreams； we fly and wonder not
except that we never flew before。 We go naked； yet are not ashamed；
though we mildly wonder what the police are about that they do not stop
us。 We converse with our dead； and think it was unkind that they did not
come back to us before。 In dreams； there happens that which human
language cannot tell。 In dreams； we see 〃the light that never was on sea
or land；〃 we hear the sounds that never yet were heard by waking ears。
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Dreams
It is only in sleep that true imagination ever stirs within us。 Awake； we
never imagine anything； we merely alter； vary； or transpose。 We give
another twist to the kaleidoscope of the things we see around us； and
obtain another pattern； but not one of us has ever added one tiniest piece
of new glass to the toy。
A Dean Swift sees one race of people smaller； and another race of
people larger than the race of people that live down his own streets。 And
he also sees a land where the horses take the place of men。 A Bulwer
Lytton lays the scene of one of his novels inside the earth instead of
outside。 A Rider Haggard introduces us to a lady whose age is a few
years more than the average woman would care to confess to； and pictures
crabs larger than the usual shilling or eighteen…penny size。 The number
of so called imaginative writers who visit the moon is legion； and for all
the novelty that they find； when they get there； they might just as well
have gone to Putney。 Others are continually drawing for us visions of the
world one hundred or one thousand years hence。 There is always a
depressing absence of human nature about the place； so much so； that one
feels great consolation in the thought； while reading； that we ourselves
shall be comfortably dead and buried before the picture can be realized。
In these prophesied Utopias everybody is painfully good and clean and
happy； and all the work is done by electricity。
There is somewhat too much electricity； for my taste； in these worlds
to come。 One is reminded of those pictorial enamel…paint advertisements
that one sees about so often now； in which all the members of an extensive
household are represented as gathered together in one room； spreading
enamel…paint over everything they can lay their hands upon。 The old
man is on a step…ladder； daubing the walls and ceiling with 〃cuckoo's…egg
green；〃 while the parlor…maid and the cook are on their knees； painting the
floor with 〃sealing…wax red。〃 The old lady is doing the picture frames in
〃terra cotta。〃 The eldest daughter and her young man are making sly love
in a corner over a pot of 〃high art yellow；〃 with which； so soon as they
have finished wasting their time； they will； it is manifest； proceed to
elevate the piano。 Younger brothers and sisters are busy freshening up
the chairs and tables with 〃strawberry…jam pink 〃 and 〃jubilee magenta。〃
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Dreams
Every blessed thing in that room is being coated with enamel paint； from
the sofa to the fire…irons； from the sideboard to the eight…day clock。 If
there is any paint left over； it will be used up for the family Bible and the
canary。
It is claimed for this invention that a little child can make as much
mess with i