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hand； bold in character； and with a certain sweep which might have
come from a painter。 The thrill which this vision gave will be
intelligible when you remember that Bourgonef had lost or pretended
to have lost his right arm； and was； as I before intimated； far
from dexterous with his left。 That no man recently thrown upon the
use of a left hand could have written those addresses was too
evident。 What； then； was the alternative？ The empty sleeve was an
imposture！ At once the old horrible suspicion returned； and this
time with tenfold violence； and with damnatory confirmation。
Pressing my temples between my hands； I tried to be calm and to
survey the evidence without precipitation； but for some time the
conflict of thoughts was too violent。 Whatever might be the
explanation； clear it was that Bourgonef； for some purposes； was
practising a deception； and had； as I knew； other means of
disguising his appearance。 This； on the most favorable
interpretation； branded him with suspicion。 This excluded him from
the circle of honest men。
But did it connect him with the murder of Lieschen Lehfeldt？ In my
thought it did so indubitably； but I was aware of the difficulty of
making this clear to anyone else。
VI
FIRST LOVE
If the reader feels that my suspicions were not wholly unwarranted；
were indeed inevitable； he will not laugh at me on learning that
once more these suspicions were set aside； and the factthe
damnatory fact； as I regarded itdiscovered by me so accidentally；
and； I thought； providentially； was robbed of all its significance
by Bourgonef himself casually and carelessly avowing it in
conversation； just as one may avow a secret infirmity； with some
bitterness； but without any implication of deceit in its
concealment。
I was the more prepared for this revulsion of feeling； by the
difficulty I felt in maintaining my suspicions in the presence of
one so gentle and so refined。 He had come into my room that
evening to tell me of his visit to Schwanthaler； and of the
sculptor's flattering desire to make my personal acquaintance。 He
spoke of Schwanthaler； and his earnest efforts in art； with so much
enthusiasm； and was altogether so charming； that I felt abashed
before him； incapable of ridding myself of the dreadful suspicions；
yet incapable of firmly believing him to be what I thought。 But
more than this； there came the new interest awakened in me by his
story； and when； in the course of his story； he accidentally
disclosed the fact that he had not lost his arm； all my suspicions
vanished at once。
We had got； as usual； upon politics； and were differing more than
usual； because he gave greater prominence to his sympathy with the
Red Republicans。 He accused me of not being 〃thorough…going；〃
which I admitted。 This he attributed to the fact of my giving a
divided heart to politicsa condition natural enough at my age；
and with my hopes。 〃Well；〃 said I； laughing； 〃you don't mean to
take a lofty stand upon your few years' seniority。 If my age
renders it natural； does yours profoundly alter such a conviction？〃
〃My age； no。 But you have the hopes of youth。 I have none。 I am
banished for ever from the joys and sorrows of domestic life； and
therefore； to live at all； must consecrate my soul to great
abstractions and public affairs。〃
〃But why banished； unless self…banished？〃
〃Woman's love is impossible。 You look incredulous。 I do not
allude to this；〃 he said； taking up the empty sleeve； and by so
doing sending a shiver through me。
〃The loss of your arm；〃 I saidand my voice trembled slightly； for
I felt that a crisis was at hand〃although a misfortune to you；
would really be an advantage in gaining a woman's affections。
Women are so romantic； and their imaginations are so easily
touched！〃
〃Yes；〃 he replied bitterly； 〃but the trouble is that I have not
lost my arm。〃
I started。 He spoke bitterly； yet calmly。 I awaited his
explanation in great suspense。
〃To have lost my arm in battle； or even by an accident； would
perhaps have lent me a charm in woman's eyes。 But； as I said； my
arm hangs by my sidewithered； unpresentable。〃
I breathed again。 He continued in the same tone； and without
noticing my looks。
〃But it is not this which banishes me。 Woman's love might be hoped
for； had I far worse infirmities。 The cause lies deeper。 It lies
in my history。 A wall of granite has grown up between me and the
sex。〃
〃But； my dear fellow； do youwounded； as I presume to guess； by
some unworthy womanextend the fault of one to the whole sex？ Do
you despair of finding another true； because a first was false？〃
〃They are all false；〃 he exclaimed with energy。 〃Not； perhaps； all
false from inherent viciousness； though many are that； but false
because their inherent weakness renders them incapable of truth。
Oh！ I know the catalogue of their good qualities。 They are often
pitiful； self…devoting； generous； but they are so by fits and
starts； just as they are cruel； remorseless； exacting； by fits and
starts。 They have no constancythey are too weak to be constant
even in evil； their minds are all impressions； their actions are
all the issue of immediate promptings。 Swayed by the fleeting
impulses of the hour； they have only one persistent； calculable
motive on which reliance can always be placedthat motive is
vanity； you are always sure of them there。 It is from vanity they
are goodfrom vanity they are evil； their devotion and their
desertion equally vanity。 I know them。 To me they have disclosed
the shallows of their natures。 God！ how I have suffered from
them！〃
A deep； low exclamation； half sob； half curse； closed his tirade。
He remained silent for a few minutes； looking on the floor； then；
suddenly turning his eyes upon me； said：
〃Were you ever in Heidelberg？〃
〃Never。〃
〃I thought all your countrymen went there？ Then you will never
have heard anything of my story。 Shall I tell you how my youth was
blighted？ Will you care to listen？〃
〃It would interest me much。〃
〃I had reached the age of seven…and…twenty；〃 he began； 〃without
having once known even the vague stirrings of the passion of love。
I admired many women； and courted the admiration of them all； but I
was as yet not only heart…whole； but； to use your Shakespeare's
phrase； Cupid had not tapped me on the shoulder。
〃This detail is not unimportant in my story。 You may possibly have
observed that in those passionate natures which reserve their
force； and do not fritter away their feelings in scattered
flirtations or trivial love…affairs； there is a velocity and
momentum； when the movement of passion is once excited； greatly
transcending all that is ever felt by expansive and expressive
natures。 Slow to be moved； when they do move it is with the whole
mass of the heart。 So it was with me。 I purchased my immunity
from earlier entanglements by the price of my whole life。 I am not
what I was。 Between my past and present self there is a gulf； that
gulf is dark； stormy； and profound。 On the far side stands a youth
of hope； energy； ambition； and unclouded happiness； with great
capacities for loving； on this side a blighted manhood； with no
prospects but suffering and storm。〃
He paused。 With an effort he seemed to master the suggestions
which crowded upon his memory； and continued his narrative in an
equable tone。
〃I had been for several weeks at Heidelberg。 One of my intimate
companions was Kestner； the architect； and he one day proposed to
introduce me to his sister…in…law； Ottilie； of whom he had
repeatedly spoken to me in terms of great affection and esteem。
〃We went； and we were most cordially received。 Ottilie justified
Kestner's praises。 Pretty； but not strikingly soclever； but not
obtrusively so； her soft dark eyes were frank and winning； her
manner was gentle and retiring； with that dash of sentimentalism
which seems native to all German girls； but without any of the
ridiculous extravagance too often seen in them。 I liked her all
the more because I was perfectly at my ease with her； and this was
rarely the case in my relations to young women。 I don't enjoy
their society。
〃You leap at once to the conclusion that we fell in love。 Your
conclusion is precipitate。 Seeing her continually； I grew to
admire and respect her； but the significant smiles； winks； and
hints of friends； pointing unmistakably at a supposed understanding
existing between us； only made me more seriously examine the state
of my feelings； and assured me that I was not in love。 It is true
that I felt a serene pleasure in her society； and that when away
from her she occupied much of my thoughts。 It is true that I often
thought of her as a wife； and in these meditations she appeared as
one eminently calculated to make a happy home。 But it is no less
true that during a temporary absence of hers of a few weeks I felt
no sort of uneasiness； no yearning for her presence； no vacancy in
my life。 I knew； therefore； that it was not love which I felt。
〃So much for my feelings。 What of hers？ They seemed very like my
own。 That she admired me； and was pleased to be with me； was
certain。 That she had a particle