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animals is base or is heroic； and our preferences in the matter
of religious and political parties； and our acceptance or
rejection of the Shakespeares and the Author Ortons and the Mrs。
Eddys。 We get them all at second hand； we reason none of them
out for ourselves。 It is the way we are made。 It is the way we
are all made； and we can't help it； we can't change it。 And
whenever we have been furnished a fetish； and have been taught to
believe in it； and love it and worship it； and refrain from
examining it； there is no evidence； howsoever clear and strong；
that can persuade us to withdraw from it our loyalty and our
devotion。 In morals； conduct； and beliefs we take the color of
our environment and associations； and it is a color that can
safely be warranted to wash。 Whenever we have been furnished
with a tar baby ostensibly stuffed with jewels； and warned that
it will be dishonorable and irreverent to disembowel it and test
the jewels； we keep our sacrilegious hands off it。 We submit；
not reluctantly； but rather gladly； for we are privately afraid
we should find； upon examination that the jewels are of the sort
that are manufactured at North Adams； Mass。
I haven't any idea that Shakespeare will have to vacate his
pedestal this side of the year 2209。 Disbelief in him cannot
come swiftly； disbelief in a healthy and deeply…loved tar baby
has never been known to disintegrate swiftly； it is a very slow
process。 It took several thousand years to convince our fine
raceincluding every splendid intellect in itthat there is no
such thing as a witch； it has taken several thousand years to
convince the same fine raceincluding every splendid intellect
in itthat there is no such person as Satan； it has taken
several centuries to remove perdition from the Protestant
Church's program of post…mortem entertainments； it has taken a
weary long time to persuade American Presbyterians to give up
infant damnation and try to bear it the best they can； and it
looks as if their Scotch brethren will still be burning babies in
the everlasting fires when Shakespeare comes down from his perch。
We are The Reasoning Race。 We can't prove it by the above
examples； and we can't prove it by the miraculous 〃histories〃
built by those Stratfordolaters out of a hatful of rags and a
barrel of sawdust； but there is a plenty of other things we can
prove it by； if I could think of them。 We are The Reasoning
Race； and when we find a vague file of chipmunk…tracks stringing
through the dust of Stratford village； we know by our reasoning
bowers that Hercules has been along there。 I feel that our
fetish is safe for three centuries yet。 The bust； toothere in
the Stratford Church。 The precious bust； the priceless bust； the
calm bust； the serene bust； the emotionless bust； with the dandy
mustache； and the putty face； unseamed of carethat face which
has looked passionlessly down upon the awed pilgrim for a hundred
and fifty years and will still look down upon the awed pilgrim
three hundred more； with the deep； deep； deep； subtle； subtle；
subtle expression of a bladder。
XII
Irreverence
One of the most trying defects which I find in thesethese
what shall I call them？ for I will not apply injurious epithets
to them； the way they do to us； such violations of courtesy being
repugnant to my nature and my dignity。 The farthest I can go in
that direction is to call them by names of limited reverence
names merely descriptive； never unkind； never offensive； never
tainted by harsh feeling。 If THEY would do like this； they would
feel better in their hearts。 Very well； thento proceed。 One
of the most trying defects which I find in these
Stratfordolaters； these Shakesperiods； these thugs； these
bangalores； these troglodytes； these herumfrodites； these
blatherskites； these buccaneers； these bandoleers； is their
spirit of irreverence。 It is detectable in every utterance of
theirs when they are talking about us。 I am thankful that in me
there is nothing of that spirit。 When a thing is sacred to me it
is impossible for me to be irreverent toward it。 I cannot call
to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent；
except towards the things which were sacred to other people。 Am
I in the right？ I think so。 But I ask no one to take my
unsupported word； no； look at the dictionary； let the dictionary
decide。 Here is the definition：
IRREVERENCE。 The quality or condition of irreverence toward
God and sacred things。
What does the Hindu say？ He says it is correct。 He says
irreverence is lack of respect for Vishnu； and Brahma； and
Chrishna； and his other gods； and for his sacred cattle； and for
his temples and the things within them。 He endorses the
definition； you see； and there are 300；000；000 Hindus or their
equivalents back of him。
The dictionary had the acute idea that by using the capital
G it could restrict irreverence to lack of reverence for OUR
Deity and our sacred things； but that ingenious and rather sly
idea miscarried： for by the simple process of spelling HIS
deities with capitals the Hindu confiscates the definition and
restricts it to his own sects； thus making it clearly compulsory
upon us to revere HIS gods and HIS sacred things； and nobody's
else。 We can't say a word； for he had our own dictionary at his
back； and its decision is final。
This law； reduced to its simplest terms； is this：
1。 Whatever is sacred to the Christian must be held in reverence by
everybody else； 2。 whatever is sacred to the Hindu must be held
in reverence by everybody else； 3。 therefore； by consequence；
logically； and indisputably； whatever is sacred to ME must be
held in reverence by everybody else。
Now then； what aggravates me is that these troglodytes and
muscovites and bandoleers and buccaneers are ALSO trying to crowd
in and share the benefit of the law； and compel everybody to
revere their Shakespeare and hold him sacred。 We can't have
that： there's enough of us already。 If you go on widening and
spreading and inflating the privilege； it will presently come to
be conceded that each man's sacred things are the ONLY ones； and
the rest of the human race will have to be humbly reverent toward
them or suffer for it。 That can surely happen； and when it
happens； the word Irreverence will be regarded as the most
meaningless； and foolish； and self…conceited； and insolent； and
impudent； and dictatorial word in the language。 And people will
say； 〃Whose business is it what gods I worship and what things
hold sacred？ Who has the right to dictate to my conscience； and
where did he get that right？〃
We cannot afford to let that calamity come upon us。 We must
save the word from this destruction。 There is but one way to do
it； and that is to stop the spread of the privilege and strictly
confine it to its present limitsthat is； to all the Christian
sects； to all the Hindu sects； and me。 We do not need any more；
the stock is watered enough； just as it is。
It would be better if the privilege were limited to me
alone。 I think so because I am the only sect that knows how to
employ it gently； kindly； charitably； dispassionately。 The other
sects lack the quality of self…restraint。 The Catholic Church
says the most irreverent things about matters which are sacred to
the Protestants； and the Protestant Church retorts in kind about
the confessional and other matters which Catholics hold sacred；
then both of these irreverencers turn upon Thomas Paine and
charge HIM with irreverence。 This is all unfortunate； because it
makes it difficult for students equipped with only a low grade of
mentality to find out what Irreverence really IS。
It will surely be much better all around if the privilege of
regulating the irreverent and keeping them in order shall
eventually be withdrawn from all the sects but me。 Then there
will be no more quarreling； no more bandying of disrespectful
epithets； no more heartburnings。
There will then be nothing sacred involved in this Bacon…
Shakespeare controversy except what is sacred to me。 That will
simplify the whole matter； and trouble will cease。 There will be
irreverence no longer； because I will not allow it。 The first
time those criminals charge me with irreverence for calling their
Stratford myth an Arthur…Orton…Mary…Baker…Thompson…Eddy…Louis…
the…Seventeenth…Veiled…Prophet…of…Khorassan will be the last。
Taught by the methods found effective in extinguishing earlier
offenders by the Inquisition； of holy memory； I shall know how to
quiet them。
XIII
Isn't it odd； when you think of it； that you may list all
the celebrated Englishmen； Irishmen； and Scotchmen of modern
times； clear back to the first Tudorsa list containing five
hundred names； shall we say？and you can go to the histories；
biographies； and cyclopedias and learn the p