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unquestionably have rendered him a very spirited and rampacious
animal on nothing at all； if he had not died； four and twenty hours
before he was to have had his first comfortable bait of air。
Unfortunately for the experimental philosophy of the female to
whose protecting care Oliver Twist was delivered over； a similar
result usually attended the operation of her system； for at the very
moment when a child had contrived to exist upon the smallest
possible portion of the weakest possible food； it did perversely
happen in eight and a half cases out of ten； either that it sickened
from want and cold； or fell into the fire from neglect； or got half…
smothered by accident； in any one of which cases； the miserable
little being； was usually summoned into another world； and there
gathered to the fathers it had never known in this。
Occasionally； when there was some more than usually
interesting inquest upon a parish child who had been overlooked
in turning up a bedstead； or inadvertently scalded to death when
there happened to be a washing—though the latter accident was
very scarce； anything approaching to a washing being of rare
occurrence in the farm—the jury would take it into their heads to
ask troublesome questions； or the parishioners would rebelliously
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
Oliver Twist
affix their signatures to a remonstrance。 But these impertinences
were speedily checked by the evidence of the surgeon； and the
testimony of the beadle； the former of whom had always opened
the body and found nothing inside （which was very probable
indeed） and the latter of whom invariably swore whatever the
parish wanted； which was very self…devotional。 Besides； the Board
made periodical pilgrimages to the farm； and always sent the
beadle the day before； to say they were going。 The children were
neat and clean to behold； when they went； and what more would
the people have！
It cannot be expected that this system of farming would
produce any very extraordinary or luxuriant crop。 Oliver Twist’s
ninth birthday found him a pale； thin child； somewhat diminutive
in stature； and decidedly small in circumference。 But nature or
inheritance had implanted a good sturdy spirit in Oliver’s breast。
It had had plenty of room to expand； thanks to the spare diet of
the establishment； and perhaps to this circumstance may be
attributed his having any ninth birthday at all。 Be this as it may；
however； it was his ninth birthday； and he was keeping it in the
coal…cellar with a select party of two other young gentlemen； who；
after participating with him in a sound thrashing； had been locked
up for atrociously presuming to be hungry； when Mrs。 Mann； the
good lady of the house； was unexpectedly startled by the
apparition of Mr。 Bumble； the beadle； striving to undo the wicket
of the garden gate。
“Goodness gracious！ Is that you； Mr。 Bumble； sir？” said Mrs。
Mann； thrusting her head out of the window in well…affected
ecstasies of joy。 “（Susan； take Oliver and them two brats upstairs；
and wash ’em directly。） My heart alive！ Mr。 Bumble； how glad I am
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
Oliver Twist
to see you； surely！”
Now； Mr。 Bumble was a fat man； and a choleric； so； instead of
responding to this open…hearted salutation in a kindred spirit； he
gave the little wicket a tremendous shake； and then bestowed
upon it a kick which could have emanated from no leg but a
beadle’s。
“Lor； only think；” said Mrs。 Mann； running out—for the three
boys had been removed by this time—“only think of that！ That I
should have forgotten that the gate was bolted on the inside； on
account of them dear children！ Walk in； sir； walk in； pray； Mr。
Bumble； do； sir。”
Although this invitation was accompanied with a curtsey that
might have softened the heart of a church…warden； it by no means
mollified the beadle。
“Do you think this respectful or proper conduct； Mrs。 Mann；”
inquired Mr。 Bumble； grasping his cane； “to keep the parish
officers a…waiting at your garden gate； when they come here upon
porochial business connected with the porochial orphans？ Are you
aweer； Mrs。 Mann； that you are； as I may say； a porochial delegate；
and a stipendiary？”
“I’m sure； Mr。 Bumble； that I was only a…telling one or two of
the dear children as is so fond of you； that it was you a…coming；”
replied Mrs。 Mann； with great humility。
Mr。 Bumble had a great idea of his oratorical powers and his
importance。 He had displayed the one； and vindicated the other。
He relaxed。
“Well； well； Mrs。 Mann；” he replied； in a calmer tone； “it may be
as you say； it may be。 Lead the way in； Mrs。 Mann； for I come on
business； and have something to say。”
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
Oliver Twist
Mrs。 Mann ushered the beadle into a small parlour with a brick
floor； placed a seat for him； and officiously deposited his cocked
hat and cane on the table before him。 Mr。 Bumble wiped from his
forehead the perspiration which his walk had engendered； glanced
complacently at the cocked hat； and smiled。 Yes； he smiled。
Beadles are but men： and Mr。 Bumble smiled。
“Now don’t you be offended at what I’m a…going to say；”
observed Mrs。 Mann； with captivating sweetness。 “You’ve had a
long walk； you know； or I wouldn’t mention it。 Now； will you take a
little drop of something； Mr。 Bumble？”
“Not a drop。 Not a drop；” said Mr。 Bumble； waving his right
hand in a dignified but placid manner。
“I think you will；” said Mrs。 Mann； who had noticed the tone of
the refusal； and the gesture that had accompanied it。 “Just a leetle
drop； with a little cold water； and a lump of sugar。”
Mr。 Bumble coughed。
“Now； just a leetle drop；” said Mrs。 Mann persuasively。
“What is it？” inquired the beadle。
“Why； it’s what I’m obliged to keep a little of in the house； to
put into the blessed infants’ Daffy； when they ain’t well； Mr。
Bumble；” replied Mrs。 Mann； as she opened a corner cupboard；
and took down a bottle and glass。 “It’s gin。 I’ll not deceive you； Mr。
B。 It’s gin。”
“Do you give the children Daffy； Mrs。 Mann？” inquired
Bumble； following with his eyes the interesting process of mixing。
“Ah； bless ’em that I do； dear as it is；” replied the nurse。 “I
couldn’t see ’em suffer before my very eyes； you know； sir。”
“No；” said Mr。 Bumble approvingly； “no； you could not。 You are
a humane woman； Mrs。 Mann。” （Here she set down the glass。） “I
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
Oliver Twist
shall take an early opportunity of mentioning it to the Board； Mrs。
Mann。” （He drew it towards him。） “You feel as a mother； Mrs。
Mann。” （He stirred the gin…and…water。） “I—I drink your health
with cheerfulness； Mrs。 Mann；” and he swallowed half of it。
“And now about business；” said the beadle； taking out a
leathern pocket…book。 “The child that was half…baptised； Oliver
Twist； is nine year old today。”
“Bless him！” interposed Mrs。 Mann； inflaming her left eye with
the corner of her apron。
“And notwithstanding a offered reward of ten pound； which
was afterwards increased to twenty pound。 Notwithstanding the
most superlative； and； I may say； supernat’ral exertions on the
part of this parish；” said Bumble； awe have never been able to
discover who is his father； or what was his mother’s settlement；
name； or condition。”
Mrs。 Mann raised her hands in astonishment； but added； after a
moment’s reflection； “How comes he to have any name at all；
then？”
The beadle drew himself up with great pride； and said； “I
inwented it。”
“You； Mr。 Bumble！”
“I； Mrs。 Mann。 We name our fondlings in alphabetical order。
The last was a S—Swubble； I named him。 This was T—Twist； I
named him。 The next one as comes will be Unwin； and the next
Vilkins。 I have got names ready…made to the end of the alphabet；
and all the way through it again； when we come to Z。”
“Why； you’re quite a literary character； sir！” said Mrs。 Mann。
“Well； well；” said the beadle； evidently gratified with the
compliment； “perhaps I may be。 Perhaps I may be； Mrs。 Mann。”
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
Oliver Twist
He finished the gin…and…water； and added； “Oliver being now too
old to remain here； the Board have determined to have him back
into the house。 I have come out myself to take him there。 So let me
see him at once。”
“I’ll fetch him directly；” said Mrs。 Mann； leaving the room for
that purpose。 Oliver； having had by this time as much of the outer
coat of dirt which incrusted his face and hands removed； as could
be scrubbed off in one washing； was led into the room by his
benevolent protectress。
“Make a bow to the gentleman； Oliver；” said Mrs。 Mann。
Oliver made a bow； which was divided between the beadle on
the chair； and the cocked hat on the table。
“Will you go along with me； Oliver？” said Mr。 Bumble； in a
majestic voice。
Oliver was about to say that he would go along with anybody
with great readiness； when； glancing upwards； he caught